The Long Goodbye

 I  got a text from  Sam the other day, saying he wanted to talk about the future of CoH. (No, I do not have his phone number, he uses disposable phones when texting me just for that reason).  Since I am CoH, I experienced a tremor of concern about the conversation.   I always love my quality time with Sam, but this didn’t sound the same.  I asked what he wanted to talk about and he said “Moderation”.   I could not imagine what that could mean.  I have worked hard to establish a level of expectation for the followers of our “Church”, and moderation is not on the list anywhere.  

Nope, Nope

 

What could he want me to moderate?  I pride myself on tongue-in-cheek, outrageous, sarcastic, risque, commentary on the Fandom, Starz , Sam, the other cast & crew, critics, world peace and Norma D, herself!  I am expected to be over the top.  I’m Norma D!   The one word everyone thinks of about me and CoH is snarky and the other is OMG! (Um,  I think that’s more than one word but you get my drift!) I am the Mother of Shock and Awe!   Moderation is an anathema (look that one up).   Could Sam be caving to pressure from the inept Starz PR machine?   (They’re the ones who talked Sam in to not showing that 10-12 square inches of space on his body, never seen on the screen to date! ) 

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Oh no….Not my Sam…..nooooo!   What could he be thinking?  

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After I had several sleepless nights, we arranged to meet over coffee.  He was his usual jovial self, but seemed a bit tense.  Finally, he spoke.  “Norma, you have been the best COHP I could have ever had.  You have done over 45 postings in CoH and started a second blog, near and dear to my Mother’s heart (the Art of Aging). You’re new meming venture is off the wall and over the top with 100’s of memes.   We have reached over 82 countries.  We’ve had over 23,500 viewings with over 35,800 hits to the site.  We have about 1,800 regular followers and we have been open less than 17 months.  We’re a success and it’s all due to you! But it’s taking a toll.  I can see you slipping over the edge of sanity and it scares me!

pizap.com14593523987611I knew in the past I’d gone off the deep end (poor Bill)but CoH had given new meaning to my life after I realized Mr. DeMIlle wasn’t going to call me for my close-up (aka retirement). I have bloomed and become an internationally known Sam Heughan fanatic!   Now, I wasn’t stalking (although every day I asked my friends on Twitter where he was). Nor was I shipping (although I asked my Fritters who he was with hoping it was a certain someone whose name cannot be said).  Nor did I post a map on my wall with stickpins in it pinpointing his daily travels and hers  (oh, maybe I did).   But I wasn’t a fanatic nor was I crazy!  I’ve been to experts!

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I looked at Sam big eyed with tears pooling in them (I was the best crier in acting school ) and asked, “So, are you firing me, Sam?”   He looked at my sympathetically and said, “Don’t pull that big-eyed teary look on me!  I learned to do the same thing at the Conservatoire !”  I knew the jig was up. I was getting fired.  I thought about what my life was like before I rediscovered Outlander and met Sam.  

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I asked Sam, “What did I do wrong?”  He said, ” Would you like a few examples?  Here!”

 

“I guess I overdid it a little,” I admitted.  He said, “I won’t fire you this time, but you’ve got to get some control over your snark! You’re killing me here.  Starz is breathing down my neck and is threatening to put a monitor in the church!”  I screamed, “That’s Unamerican!”  This is what flashed before my eyes:

 

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Sam looked down and said, “Starz has powers even you cannot overcome!”

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I thought about how the Church could continue while obeying the archaic Starz guidelines.  How could I be truly creative fettered by the chains of censorship?  How could I provide the open, accepting, inclusive environment that the Church has been famous for with the weight of Starz oppression, holding me back!  How could Sam ask me to change this, when the very success he praises, came from my total lack of respect for any institution, person, or belief in the world! At CoH, everything had been fair game!  (I’ve even criticized Terry!) I knew things would not be the same.  I’ve made my decision.  Sam won’t fire me.  I Quit!

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So, this is my last hurrah, the final countdown, the end, the party’s over, bon voyage, turn the lights out, close the door, the end, it’s done, the last page, the last word, put the lid on it, vacate, kibosh, the last dance, the termination, the death, the annihilation, the final ah, guh-bye!   Here is my guiding mantra.  Sing it Frankie!

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My Way

 

And now the end is near

So I face the final curtain
My friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll state my case of which I’m certain.

I’ve lived a life that’s full
I’ve traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way.

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Of course this isn’t my final movie!

 

 

 

Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exception

I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
Oh, and more, much more than this
I did it my way.

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Of course, you look better than Scarlet Johanssen, Norma!

 

 

Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall
And did it my way

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Of course, I can play the lead  in Charlie Chaplin’s life story!  I’m an actress!

 

 

I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried
I’ve had my fails, my share of losing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way
Oh, no, no not me
I did it my way

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Of course he’s not dead and I didn’t push him in there!  Poor Bill!

 

 

 

For what is a woman, what has she got
If not herself, then she has not
To say the things she truly feels
And not the words she would reveal
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way (of course)

 

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ADIEU

FAREWELL

UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN

TA TA FOR NOW

SEE YOU LATER, ALLIGATOR

DON’T CRY FOR ME, ARGENTINA

 KISS SAM GOODBYE FOR ME

I LOVE YOU ALL

I’LL NEVER FORGET YOU!

 

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Don’t get mad!  Yes.  This is a joke.   See you after April 9, I’ll be binge-watching Outlander, Season 1, Emulsion, and A Princess for Christmas until then (just like I’ve been doing since season one ended last June) !!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

COFFEE TALK WITH LINDA RICHMAN Discussion: WAITING FOR OUTLANDER

Hello, my BUBULAS!  Linda Richman here with this week’s Coffee Talk. I’m tickled to be back to tell you the news about Outlander! Don’t forget our call in number 555-4444,  if you have any comments or questions. For those of you who might not know, Outlander is a book series that turned into a TV show on STARZ.

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I know, I know, Starz with all that nudity, violence and cursing!   But this show is different.  Well there is cursing, but it’s mostly in Gaelic, except for Claire who swears like a drunken Starz pirate .  Of course she makes it sound elegant with her snooty British accent.

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There’s also violence, like when B. J. Randall tortured the hero, Jamie, in Wentworth prison by putting his shpilkis in Jamie’s genechtagazoink .

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There’s some nudity, too, but the bodies are so Georgeous, I can’t keep my eyes off them!  Well, really I’m only into Jamie’s body.  He’s played by the actor Sam Heughan.  Ladies, he is HMMPF!   I wish he would have stood on his tippy-toes for this picture.

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Anyway, they finished Season 1 last year in early June, and I’ve been Waiting for Outlander ever since.  Oh, I took a vacation with my Aunt Schmechle, in Boca Raton, but you can’t stay in a place named “Rat’s Mouth” for long!  I did run into my favorite person, Barbara Striesand, who was getting a do-over at the best spa in Boca, “Reincarnation“.

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They do wonders with mostly dead skin.  They’ve got a Dead Sea Salt Placenta wrap that is to die for!  Your skin looks and feels like buttah!

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14 Again!   Oh wait, that girl is really 14!

 

Anyway, Babs was all excited about a concert she was doing in Vegas.  I told her how much I adore her and she blushed, right to the tip of that big nose. Secretly, ladies, I think she should have done the nose job way before her Bas Mitzvah!   I’m sure she would have been more successful, and Hubble would have married her in “The Way We Were”.   She could have played in Funny Girl with a fake schnozzola.  What do you think?  Talk amongst yourselves.

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So, Claire and Jamie end up going to Paris, to change history.  See Claire fell through some stones in Scotland and ended up in 1743.  (It could happen.) Now, I know of a few of my friends who tried to change their histories.  My cousin, Zelda, wanted to marry into a very wealthy family and made up a long history of relatives named Vanderbilt, Hilton and Kennedy.  But when her family “sat shiva” at her reception because she married a Gentile, the jig was up!  Talk about a Wailing Wall!   I’ll give you a topic:  How can you change history when it already happened?  Discuss.

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It’s a conundrum. 

 

Getting back to that Sam Heughan.  Well, I’d pay a few sheckles just to get some alone time (if you know what I mean) with that tall handsome hunk!  Even if he’s a Gentile, and probably not circumcised, I’d still want to dally with his verstecken for a bit.   Oh!  I’m getting all verklempt and shvetty!

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That man could ring my bell anytime!

 

I’m all for the mixing of religions.  My cousins are Methodist and Jewish, so their kids are “Mu-Shu”.  Another Aunt and Uncle are Jewish and Catholic.  Their kids are “Cashews”.  It’s all one big melting pot! I’m not sure what his religion is, but I don’t need to worry for a one-night stand, anyway.  (I’m not bragging, but I think that’s all he could handle, MPC or not!)  I’m famished.  Anyone want some cashews?

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Now, I hear the Outlander Fandom is hot under the collar for Starz holding up the airing of Season 2.  There are all kinds of conspiracy theories.  One I heard was that Sam and Cait (actors who play Jamie and Claire) got so tired of being naked, they refused to do the love scenes.  Now that’s just plain ridiculous.  Have you seen them naked?  Do you think either one of them would mind?  Have a few drinks, for goodness sake and get on with it! Have some fun!  How hard can it be?

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Well, it’s getting to be time for the show to end.  I’ve  had such fun gabbing with all of you!  (Ring, Ring) Oh, a call!  

This is Linda Richman of Coffee Talk, to whom am I speaking?

(Woman’s Voice) I’m Gilda from Brooklyn.  I just want to say how much I love your show.  You’re an icon for femininity! That hair, those nails!  To die for!”

Gilda, I’m getting so emotional.  Where’s my tissue? Give me a minute. There it’s passed.

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This is is why I do this show!  So people can admire my style!

 

What a lovely call.  Anyway, I’ll be back next time with my guest, Carrie Fisher of Star Wars fame, who will reveal that a certain tall, furry Wookie is really speaking Yiddish very fast!

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Now there’s a smart gal who got her nose job in time.  Look how famous she is.  Babs could learn a few things from her.

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She definitely had a nose job before she was 13.  That nose is so…I can’t find the word.  Darling, just darling!

 

So, my meshuga Outlander nudniks, quit your kvetching!  Waiting is just life and a whole lotta time.  Mazel Tov!

Talk amongst yourselves.

 

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OK, SO WE MADE IT THROUGH JANUARY-WITHOUTLANDER

OK, so we made it through January.  Now what?  I have done my best to give the fandom something to live for each day! 

 

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By the way, this is My Peak Challenge!  It’s not easy to think about new ideas each day, you know.  I still have to come up with about 90 more.   I did get quite a surprise from the Cast and Crew for the 31st day.

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I will continue my efforts on behalf of the Church  of Heughanology to help the fandom pass time.  However, I cannot guarantee the quality.  I expect no remuneration, but if you’re ever free again, Sam….. 

People, you need to find other things to do (besides that MPC thing) to pass the time!  Here’s a few thoughts I came up with for you to do:

1

 

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THE BIGGEST DIFFICULTY IS SELECTING A VOLUNTEER TO COUNT THEM.

 

2

SHAMELESS GROVELING FOR MY BESTIE, DEB MCGILL

 

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You can make new meals and support our OL casts’ favorite charities.  If you haven’t purchased one or more yet, go to @cooklander  Proceeds go to @bloodwise_uk @NPHUSA and @wchildcancer.   There are all kinds of recipes from Fritters and famous people.  I can’t remember who they are because I’m too busy!  This is my copy in my kitchen.  I don’t cook, but they match (the kitchen and the cookbook). 

3

Make a scrapbook.  I am currently working on Shirtless Men of History.  I only have a few pages done, but here is a sample. It is amazing how many of them posed sans shirt!

 

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4

Watch the first 16 episodes of Outlander backwards.

.sdrawkcab rednaltuO fo sedosipe 61 tsrif eht hctaW

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5

Sponsor a Butt Appreciation Party.    It could be fun!  CAUTION:  Your friends could make asses of themselves.

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6

Join the Spotted Dick Society.  Relax, it’s a dessert.  I have been a member for over a year now and I haven’t even had to taste it yet!

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Find more movies and TV shows  Sam and Cait can star in to take our minds off Outlander!  Here’s some options:

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Read non-Diana Gabaldon books about Outlander.  Yes, there are other books out there!  Here’s some favorites:

  • JAMIE AND THE VAMPIRE STRUMPETS – WHAT REALLY HAPPENED AT THE FRENCH BORDELLO
  • FRANK RANDALL AND PENIS ENVY- IT’S TIME FOR A  (wait…wait) FRANK DISCUSSION
  • IF THE COSTUME FITS (The story of how Ron D Moore picked his stars for Outlander)
  • SIBLING RIVALRY – THE MACKENZIE BROTHERS EXPOSED
  • WAITING FOR OUTLANDER – HOW STARZ PISSED OFF 5,000,000 OUTLANDER FANS (I wrote this one, and it’s on sale at Amazon for $2.99)

Believe me, they’re out there! (If you search for them).

 

I have given you 8 perfectly good ideas to waste time with during Withoutlander. 

People, people, I can’t think of everything for you!  

 

WAITING FOR OUTLANDER-THE DAY AFTER THE WEEKEND UPDATE WITH ROSEANNE ROSEANNADANNA

I. Roseanne Rosseannadanna, cannot believe what this world is coming to!  I received this letter from Mr. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey.  He asks, “Hey, Roseanne Rosannadanna, what’s with these crazy Outlander fans?”

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Mr. Feder, You sure do ask a lot of questions for a person from New Jersey.

 

As my Grandma, Nana Roseannadanna, said, “It’s always something.  If it ain’t one thing it’s another!”  Now as I understand it, these Outlander fans are angry with Starz for holding up the release of Season 2 until April.  It reminds me of when I ran into Princess Lee Radziwill in the toilet at Macy’s. You know her, the classy lady that no one knows what country she’s the Princess of.  Anyway, she came out of the stall and had a long piece of toilet paper stuck to the heel of her shoe. And the more she walked , the more the paper got wet and dirty.  It was makin’ me sick!  I said, “Hey. Lee, are you trying to make me sick? You got a wet, dirty paper stuck to your shoe!”

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That damn woman didn’t know I was starting a new fashion trend!

 

Anyway, uh, where was I?  Oh, the Outlander fans, yea, I’ve seen them.  They love this series of “historial, sci-fi, romance books”  (hint hint….pick one) that Starz turned into a TV Series.  There was one fan outside of the Starz TV offices begging them to release Jamie, because he was seasick! 

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She was crying and had tears dripping off of her chin and a small wad of snot coming out of her nose. I thought I was gonna die!

 

As my optimistic aunt, Pollyanna Roseannadanna, used to say, “He’s a fictional character.  He has no stomach! Get over it!”  Are you people nuts?

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It appears most of the ruckus centers around the male star of the show.  I decided I had to see what all the fuss was about and a friend in the business (my Uncle Carlos Santana Roseannadanna) said he would introduce me to Jamie/Sam Heughan on the set. 

Well, ladies, I was not impressed!  He was almost naked, except for this bag tied around his dangling participle.  (They were filming ANOTHER sex scene). As he turned I saw his butt, but I was distracted by a huge mole on his cheek (face).  I thought that must be tough to shave with.  No wonder he has this scraggly beard.  He shaves around the mole, so he has to match up the other side!

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See the ugly mole on his cheek? See how he shaves around it? It’s making me sick!

After I got over the shock of that, I noticed he had the biggest pecs I ever saw!  I asked him if they were both the same size.  (You know how it is, one always seems bigger than the other or hangs longer than the other.)  He said they were even.  I asked him if they were real or silicone.  (I gave them a squeeze, but they were very hard, so I figured silicone!)

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He was very tall.  I got a crick in my neck looking up at him. He didn’t even offer to massage it.  Even so, I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, could see he had red curly hair! Yuck!

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See the difference?  Too bad.    This guy could be good looking if not for that hair, the mole, and those pecs!  I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, know a good looker when I see one. 

 

I mentioned that I saw a church named after Sam on the internet – the Church of Heughanology.  He acted like he wasn’t aware.  I told him about my religious Cousin, Hosanna Roseannadanna, who was caught drinking the communion wine and making little cucumber sandwiches with the hosts.  So, I let him know she was looking for a job and if he had anything open at the church, to let me know.  He said, “I’ll check with Norma D.” 

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See he knew the High Priestess.  I’m not bragging, but Roseanne Roseannadanna  can tell a brush off when I hear one! I’ve been brushed off by Queen Elizabeth, I’ll have you know.

Well, as usual. they’re trying to cut my part of the program short.  I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, who was mentored by Walter Kronkite, know when I’ve overstayed my welcome.  My Aunt, the famous appliance heiress, Amana Roseannadanna, says, “When you open the refrigerator and can’t find anything, it’s time to go”.  

You know, it’s strange.  I found that when I talked to Walter, I kept looking at his mustache.  It started to wiggle and I thought it was a caterpillar.

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See, it wiggled.  I almost died! I don’t know how he lasted so long in the news business! Who could take him seriously?  

Anyway, I hope these Outlander fans get some help.  That Sam/ Jamie is nothing to get all hot and bothered over,  I’m not bragging, but I, Roseanna Roseannadanna, know a hot guy when I see one. (is she trying to convince us?) Take my Cuban Cabana boy cousin, Havana Roseannadanna, now that’s a looker and he comes with cocktails!

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No comparison between Havana and Sam/Jamie.  Someone just asked if I needed glasses and a new brain!

Besides, April’s not that far away!  I’m not bragging, but I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, waited 20 years for a Star Wars sequel. Waiting for Outlander for a less than one year is nothing!

It’s always something.