The High Priestess Weighs in on Outlander, Season 2, Part Cinq

Well, this is it -The last Hurrah, the Final Curtain, the Last of the Mohicans,  the end of Outlander, Season 2.  It has been fun doing this recap.  I never did recaps before because there are so many great racap blogs out there, mine wouldn’t add anything new.  Well, I guess I looked at Season 2 in a different way and have had great feedback from our church members and visitors.    It was not easy to do Season 2 in 5 installments.  Can you imagine the writers trying to get in all the pertinent and beloved information from Dragonfly in Amber in 13 episodes!    I have a new respect for what they do.  Everyone is lucky I am not one of them.  I will recap my recap thoughts at the end of this posting.  I better get on with it…..

Episode 212:

This episode was called the Hail Mary and it certainly was.  There were so many Hail Mary moments, I was short of breath (SOB in medical abbreviation, which always made me giggle as in ‘Patient was SOB’  I knew he wasn’t very nice, but should someone call him that in a medical record?)   But I digress.  Our episode opens with the exhausted Fraser soldiers, coming into Inverness.  They had been retreating for five months, with little food or rest.   Lucky those who have a horse. Either you can ride it or eat it…Poor Thistle!

Even though they are exhausted, Jamie orders Dougal to go scout out the British Army location.  Murtaugh is asked to pick up the Bonnie Prince and bring him to the War Council aka Cone-uh-Clan (see Installment Quatre) Head Meeting.  Fergus immediately goes to sleep and Murtaugh covers him up with what looks like a horse blanket.  Claire decides to go into Inverness to replenish her medical supplies.  (I don’t know why she didn’t pick them up along the road as they marched.  There should be plenty of stuff in the fields, but maybe it is getting too cold to find herbs.)  But I digress, again.    It appears that every town has an apothecary (kind of like a Walgreen’s on every corner today).  When she goes inside, she runs into, Mary Hawkins! (Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, she walks into mine)!  Mary is none too happy to see her.pizap.com14683333463961

Mary gets her order of arsenic and old lace.  Suspecting Alex is worse, Claire asks if she can stop by their lodging to apologize to Alex. Mary agrees (remembering Claire is a healer, I’m sure).   Claire returns to camp trying to find necessary supplies.  Claire calls for help!20160710_130721000_iOS

Jamie comes back frustrated after the War Council meeting  because BPC is pushing the clans to battle the British at Culloden.  Jamie tells BPC to look at the troops with no food, no rest, and the increasing cold.  Plus Culloden is a good place for a battle for the British, but not for the Scottish.  Of course, BPC and the clans all deny that their men are tired, hungry, demoralized from the retreat, and/or cold. 

20160710_130335000_iOS - Copy - Copy

Claire decides to visit Mary and Alex.  Claire discovers a very weak Alex with Mary trying to take care of him.  Of course, Claire is the only one who can do that properly, so she starts mixing up her potions.  Suddenly, Alex says hello to Johnny and Claire freezes. 


Yes, it’s Black Jack Randall and he is not in uniform.  Doesn’t matter, he’s still evil.   Claire decides to leave and come back later. Black Jack follows her out and accosts her on the street.  He asks her to save his brother, not for him, but for the sake of Mary and her unborne child.  Yes, poor sickly Alex got it up enough times for her to get pregnant and they are not married!   (Mary has taken the Slut train to Yuma! ) Claire tells Randall she will do her best but she can’t guarantee anything.  However, she says she won’t help them unless BJR tells her where the British Army is encamped. BJR is shocked that she would trade her integrity for information.  Claire says, “I’m not the same woman I once was.”


While Jamie and Claire are away, Rupert looks up and sees Colum getting help out of his carriage.  Colum enters with two escorts holding him up. It is evident he is in very poor condition.  He wants to see Dougal and Jamie, after he gets off his painful spindly legs.  He is told they have stepped out, but they will get them here as soon as possible.


Claire rushes back to tell Jamie that the British are encamped near Nairn and they are planning a birthday party for Cumberland in two nights.  (BJR said to keep it a secret,  because it is a surprise party.)  Jamie decides to verify the information and encourage BPC to mount a surprise attack  (Hail Mary #1).  She finds out that Colum is here.  Jamie and she go in to his room to see him. Colum thinks Dougal is keeping him waiting, but Jamie explains he is scouting the British.  Colum tells Jamie that he’s very shrewd.  “Ye gave  Dougal some important assignment, but kept him out from under your feet.” Then he asks to speak to Claire privately, while they are waiting.  He tells her that he is happy that Jamie found her to love.  She reminds him that he didn’t always think that way.  Colum says, he was wrong.  “It’s the  prerogative of a dying man.”  Then he asks Claire to “slip him a mickey” just like Gellis Duncan did for her husband so he can be done with the pain.   They talk about mortal sin, and Claire tells him not to speak badly of Gellis.   Colum tells Claire that Gellis’ child (a boy) lived and was given to a childless MacKenzie family.   She gives Colum a potion that will  take him out gently, whenever he is ready.  (Hail Mary #2)


 Jamie presents his idea of a surprise attack to the War Council and everyone agrees, despite Murray and Sullivan not wanting Jamie to look good in the Prince’s eyes.  However, Sullivan decides he wants BPC as his date for the party, which is not how Jamie planned it.  Jamie wanted to be successful, and this might not be the best combo to lead a line to war. 

 20160710_130749000_iOS - Copy

Dougal comes back from his scavenger hunt for the British.  He finds out Jamie already knows about the British at Nairn.  He makes a comment that it would have been nice if he could have been spared the long ride.  Then he looks at a pot of dirty lettuce soup, and says he’s hungry!   Jamie tells him Colum is here and he’ll have to wait.  Dougal and Jamie along with Claire, go back into the room with Colum.  Colum announces he has chosen Hamish to become clan leader and Jamie to be his guardian.  Dougal blows up and says Jamie will lead the clan to war just like he would.  Jamie thanks Colum for the honor, but agrees with Dougal.  Colum points out that if Jamie led the clan, he would never waste their lives.  Dougal cannot say he would do the same.  pizap.com14683327873071

Claire goes back to take care of Alex with Murtaugh as a guard.   She finds Alex  coughing heavily and she decides to blow smoke up his nose.  Black Jack objects, and Claire says she can only alleviate his discomfort, not cure him.   Alex begs BJR to marry Mary!  He can give her what she needs socially and financially.   (Hail Mary #3)  BJR panics, but Alex reminds him that he already knows what a bastard BJR can be, but he still believes there is good in him.  BJR runs to the pub because he is afraid his baser side will erupt against Mary.  Claire follows him and talks him into doing what Alex wants.


Meanwhile, Dougal comes to talk with Colum.  Colum is resting and doesn’t want to be disturbed.  But Dougal goes on and gives a touching speech to his brother about how he feels about him.  There is no response from Colum because he has taken the potion, and Dougal realizes that he has died. In all honesty, this is the first time I liked Dougal in the entire show and actually felt sorry for the bugger. 


Next we see Mary and BJR being married by a minister in front of Alex’s sick bed and…wait….wait….witnessd by Murtaugh and Claire!  Murtaugh is very upset to see BJR marry Mary (wolf and lamb, ye ken).  Mary holds up well.  When the minister leaves, Jack speaks to his brother.

20160710_130623000_iOS - Copy - Copy

Next we watch as Alex dies.  Everyone cries (including Black Jack) but then Black Jack starts to beat the crap out of the corpse!  I don’t know where Murtaugh is when this happens. (Bad time to take a break when he was supposed to protect Claire at exactly this moment just for this reason).   Off screen this is what happened next. (Hail Mary #4)


Jamie kisses Claire goodbye as he heads off to Cumberland’s birthday party.  The march another 12 miles to the meeting point.  Of course the Bonnie Prince and Sullivan get lost and never show up.    Murray has the best line of the night, “Where is that imbecile, Charles?”  Jamie tries to talk him into attacking despite this setback, since they came all this way.  (Hail Mary #5)  but Murray refuses, and Jamie knows history will happen just as Claire said.


Episode 213

This episode bounces between 1746 and 1968.  It’s a bit confusing, but I will attempt to make it more so, with my memes.  The scene opens in 1968 and some kids are watching The Avengers with Steed and Emma Peel.   A man I recognized as Roger Wakefield (because I had read the promos and announcements about the actor) is standing at the back of the room, appearing to watch, too.  Then a fawning young woman I presumed to be Fiona because she looked and acted  exactly as I pictured her in the book, lays her hand on his arm and says in the softest voice, “Your guests are looking for you, Roger.”  You can see him visibly recoil from her attentions while she gazes into his eyes with longing.  He turns and next you see him giving a toast at his Father’s funeral.  Reverend Wakefield has died.  As the camera scans the group, a more mature Claire Fraser is standing at the back of the room.  


Then Brianna (Jamie and Claire’s grown daughter) prances around the house, causing Roger’s Hottie Alert Stick to stand at attention and Fiona’s hopes to be dashed against the rocks of mediocrity!  Brianna asks him if he’s Roger Wakefield and he says he is. Then Claire walks up and says,” Roger?  I suppose you don’t remember me, but I knew you when you were about 7 or 8.”   She chats about the old days and asks if she can walk around the house.  He’d say anything to get rid of her so he can talk to Brianna, so he says, “Of course!”  He asks  if she is staying long enough to visit the area.  She says she is just here for the day with her Mom.  He says he wishes she would be around longer because there is some”beautiful, wild” country to see.  He invites them to stay at the house instead of driving back to London.  They agree and later he talks with Claire over drinks in front of the fire. He asks her how she has been able to go on after losing the one person you love the most.  He’s referring to Frank for her and the Reverend for him.    She responds, “They’re gone and we have to continue.  It’s what they’d want us to do.”  She’s referring to Jamie.   That night Brianna and Roger think back on their day.


Now we pop back to 1746, and Jamie is chasing BPC and begging him to move to a different site before the British find them and wipe them out. The Prince aka Jesus Christ (in His Mind) calls Jamie his “Doubting Thomas” but totally disregards what he said.  He tells Jamie to get on the bus or get out.  Jamie goes to Claire and is frustrated.  He tells her it’s over.  There is nothing more they can do.  Ever the canny lass, Claire tells Jamie she has an idea.  When they get somewhere quiet to talk, Claire reveals her plan.  Now when I say a quiet place, I say that with tongue in cheek.  In the span of 10 minutes, Ross pops his head in, Dougal shows up and Rupert stumbles through.  Not that great of a place to talk secretly, in my humble opinion. Nevertheless, Claire says they have to kill BPC to stop the battle. Killing one for the benefit of thousands seems worthwhile to her.  She has a little of the poison she gave Colum left and she could slip it into BPC’s juice cup.  Jamie seems to be having apoplexy over all the mortal sin floating around in the room. 


Next we’re back in 1968 and Roger and Bree are riding in his cool car (shades of Frank Randall?). First they go to Fort William (the very place Jamie was flogged and where Claire was taken hostage by BJR).  After Bree tells Roger about visiting Fort Ticonderoga with her Father, Roger starts quoting  “I regret I have but one life to give for my country”.  This is one of those not so subtle hints that Roger might be related to Gellis Duncan.   Claire says those very same words to Gellis during the witch trial!   Bree says she got a chill standing in the fort and Roger says its probably because of all the blood that has been shed there.  They are standing next to the flogging post Jamie hung from.  (Phantom of the Opera organ music plays in the background).   Now I have a question.  Doesn’t Scotland have termites?  I didn’t think a wooden flogging post would last 200 + years. But apparently, it has (for dramatic effect if nothing else).   Meanwhile, Claire goes to Lallybroch, which is still standing except for the roof and rotted wooden door. It looks like there is definitely some termite damage here.  She sits on the steps and voices from the past haunt her.  If anyone ever wondered why she loved him (which I can’t even imagine anyone would), this is why.


After Lallybroch, Claire goes to Inverness to the Hall of Records.   She gets help to look up ownership records.  They find an original Deed of Sasine that Jamie, Claire and Murtaugh signed in 1746 transferring Lallybroch to the Murrays.    The clerk gives her a copy.  Then Claire asks her to do an ancestry trace for Roger MacKenzie (Wakefield).  (Just think how much time she could have saved with!)  Later Bree comes in after spending the day with Roger, and Claire asks how her date went.  Bree tells her she went to Fort William and asks if Claire has ever been there.  Claire replies, “Yes.  Once.  I didn’t care for it very much.” Bree asks if Claire misses Frank.  Claire says that she does.  Bree says she thinks she acts like she doesn’t miss him or that she even ever loved him.  Claire is upset by this, but very dispassionately says she did love him.   If I were Claire, I’d make a list of reasons why I loved him, just to remind myself and so that my response comes out more enthusiastically.  (Please don’t let her do my eulogy).


Back in 1746, Dougal eavesdrops on Claire and Jamie talking about poisoning the Bonnie Prince.  He is furious.  First, his mistrust of Claire proves to be right and he almost married her.  Second, I think he finally bought into the idea that Jamie was the better man and the best leader for the rebellion and for the clan.  Dougal put his trust in Jamie, and this is the ultimate betrayal.  Jamie tries to talk Dougal down, but we all know how that goes.  A fight ensues, and when Claire sees Jamie losing the struggle because of his weak hand, she stands beside him and helps to push the dirk into Dougal’s chest.   (An Emmy for Sam here, he really looks like someone who has just done the most terrible thing he could ever do.)  Jamie tells the dead Dougal, “I’m sorry, Uncle.”


The family that slays together, doesn’t always stay together.

Fast forward to 1968, Roger and Bree head over to what looks like the local university where Bree wanders into a Scotland Nationalists’ group called the White Roses.  Guess who’s leading the uprising?  None other than Gillian Edgars aka Gellis Duncan.  This is the year she told Claire she came through the stones at Crainsmuir Kirk.  After she gets done rabble-rousing, Brianna approaches her and argues with her about her theory.  Gillian asks her “Why are you here?” just like she asked Claire in the antechamber at the witch trial.  The Roger finds them and introduces himself.  There is a pregnant pause for dramatic effect. Gillian may have even flirted with Roger a little.pizap.com14684392077971

Bree and Roger head back to the manse to look for the Reverend’s journals from 1948. While digging through the piles of papers and such, a rat crawls over Bree’s shoes and she screams.  Roger remains calm and hands her a flash light (to  see them before they come or to hit them with?)  Bree is not happy with the solution so Roger offers a Rat Satire.  According to Roger, if you tell the rats there is better food somewhere else, they’ll leave.  He breaks into song.  Now, I know Roger is supposed to be a balladeer of old Gaelic music in the book, but he ain’t no Gwyllyn the Bard!  I thought he was going to break out in a Rat Rap!


Meanwhile back at the battle….Rupert stumbles into the room just in time to see Jamie standing over Dougal with a bloody dirk.  Rupert is shocked and turns to alert the others, but Jamie begs him for two hours in order to settle some business he has.  He promises to return so he can turn himself in  and receive the punishment he deserves.  Rupert agrees on the basis of a now dead friendship.   Now can you see that happening on “Cops”?  Nah, Jamie would have been rolling on the ground with tasers in him or shot in the back! 


Roger and Bree find the journals and Bree finds the newspaper article about Claire being kidnapped by the Faeries.  Bree realizes that her mother was missing for three years.  Roger tells her, “This must be the incident you were seeking.” Meanwhile Claire is visiting Culloden.  She is very bitter at seeing the Bonnie Prince so esteemed.  She also finds her wedding gift from Hugh Munro (Dragonfly in Amber) in an artifacts case.  She walks out to the Fraser marker, sits down and has a chat with Jamie.  She tells him about Brianna, her life with Frank, and then she says goodbye to him, which is something she has needed to do for 20 years.  If only the marker had a message machine like the telephone.pizap.com14684238540811

Jamie knows he only has two hours.  He finds Murtaugh and tells him that he killed Dougal.  Murtaugh wonders why he didn’t do it sooner.  (You gotta love that bugger!) Jamie has made out a Deed of Sasine transferring Lallybroch to his nephew under the  guardianship of Jenny and Ian.  It is dated one year earlier before Jamie was a traitor.  This will keep the property in the family and prevent the Crown from seizing it. Jamie, Claire and Murtaugh sign it (Yes, its the very same document Claire saw at the Hall of Records.)  Jamie decides that Fergus will take it to Lallybroch.  Fergus doesn’t want to leave Jamie.  Jamie says, “You must remember this for all of us.” Fergus tells him that he will not let him down.

pizap.com14684247862591Bree walks in on Claire pouring tea and confronts her about the man who is her Father.  She realizes that Claire was 3 months pregnant when the “Faeries brought her back”, so Frank couldn’t be her father.  Bree accuses Claire of secretly visiting her birth father and setting up a “chance” meeting for her.  Claire tells her that he is dead.  She starts to tell her about him and Bree goes all Brittany Spears when her Mother gets to the part about time travel and Culloden. 


Back in 1746, Fergus says goodbye to Jamie, who tells him he loves him like a son.  Claire adds, “Like our own son” and embraces him.  Murtaugh lowers his head in a sign of respect to Fergus.  Fergus walks away, but turns to look back on the only family he’s ever known.   Then he turns back and heads to Lallybroch to do his duty.  A roving artist painted this for him. 


After the blow-up with Claire, Roger and Bree head to a pub.  Bree takes after her Mother and tells Roger to keep an open tab!   While they are sub-arguing about her Mother, Gillian Edgars strolls up to their table.  She says she missed them at the rally.  Bree apologizes and said she was tied up with her crazy Mother!  Roger asks when the next one will come, and Gillian says there won’t be any more for a while.  She’s going out of town.  (Phantom of the Opera organ music plays in the background).  Claire finds the brochure about the White Roses Rally and sees Gellis/Gillian’s picture.  She goes to Gillian’s house and meets her 1968 husband.  He appears distraught and depressed because Gillian has been gone for weeks.   He offers Claire a drink and tells her that Gillian has been spending “his” money taking folklore classes at the university.  She has filled several journals with her notations.  He starts to fall asleep in the chair and says, “If you see Gillie, tell her I love her.”  After he passes out, she grabs Gillian’s journals.  Claire returns to the manse and reads the journals.  The information in them is all about time travel and the folklore surrounding it.  She is surprised to find out that Gellis believes there must be a human sacrifice and gemstones used when you go through the stones to make your travel easier. 


In 1746 Jamie talks to Murtaugh about what to do.  He wants him to lead the Lallybroch men to a safe area, and tell them to go home per his orders.  He knows this battle is lost and he will not let “his kin die for no good reason”.  Murtaugh asks what Jamie will do.  Jamie says he will get Claire to safety and then come back to meet his destiny on Culloden field.  Murtaugh says that he will meet him there.  Murtaugh says his “good reason for dying” is to be with Jamie. The two friends look at each other, and all the respect and love they have for each other, is evident. 


Bree returns from the pub and talks to Claire.  She wants to know about her father but not about the time travel stuff.   Claire tells her some things, but realizes its not something to be done in one session.  She tells Bree that she didn’t intend to fall in love, she fought it, but it was the strongest feeling she ever had and she couldn’t help  it.  Later Claire goes to the Reverend’s study, where she left Gillian’s journals.  She discovers that Roger and Bree had spoken to her that afternoon and she told them she was leaving town.  Claire realizes this is the night Gellis goes through the stones.  She wants to stop her but says she can’t because of Roger. When she did the ancestor search for him, she discovered that he is a descendant of Gellis and Dougal’s child. Claire worries her interference could affect Roger’s existence.  Roger reassures her and  agrees to go with Claire to the stones.  He tells Bree it is just to humor her.  Bree says what if Gillian is as nuts as Claire?  He tells her, “Then we’ll watch her run into a 500 ton stone!”


Back at Culloden, Jamie drags Claire the opposite direction of the army getting ready for battle.  When they arrive at Dougal’s horse, Claire asks where are they going.  Jamie says he is sending her back to Frank.  She says she won’t leave, and he tells her he knows she is with child.  He begs her to keep the child safe because it is all that will ever be left of him.  He gets her on the horse and off they go to Craig Na Dun. 


Back in 1968, Claire, Bree and Roger pull up to Craig Na Dun and Claire recognizes the Edgars’ car.  As they run up the hill they smell something.  Roger says, “It smells like a Fucking BBQ!”  That’s  what Gellis said right before they dragged her off to burn at the stake at the Witch Trial.  Proof positive, Roger is related.  When they get closer, they see a fire in front of the stone and all three of them see Gillian go through. They realize she burned her husband due to her belief she needed a human sacrifice so she would have a smoother trip.  Now, I have a question.  How did she drag a dead man up the hill to Craig Na Dun?  I would be out of breath just climbing the hill!  I wondered in the book, too.  But I digress.  Claire asks Roger to go get help.


We’re back with Claire and Jamie who have arrived at Craig Na Dun.  They get to the top of the hill and Claire says she hears the stone buzzing, but isn’t ready to go.  She begs him to go with her.  He touches the stone with no effect and says that even if he could go, it is not his time.  His destiny lies at Culloden.  He comes toward her and delivers the famous, “Lord, ye gave me a rare woman, and God, I loved her well,” line. Obviously his list of sins have been shortened due to time constraints.  At last the Frasers have “grind in the mud”sex that lasts about as long as Jamie’s first time.  Claire and I both forgave him because we knew he was under stress. I have a question, however.  If his knees are covered in mud after this, why is the back of her dress clean?  But I digress.  She gives him the Dragonfly in Amber wedding gift from Hugh Munro to keep.  (That’s how it ended up in that display case at Culloden).  He gives her his father’s ring with a ruby in it.  (Remember in the opening scene when she finds the ring, but it has no stone in it? Perhaps, Gillian was right about the gemstones?)  Then he dances her to the stone, they tell each other that they love each other, he puts her hand to the stone and she disappears,  as one tear rolls down his cheek.  Sam you’re a hell of an actor, but what’s with the one tear thing? You should be sobbing and have snot coming out of your nose. I went through 2 ones of tissue for this scene!    For God’s sake take a look at Cait.  Now that woman can cry.  I digress again.  pizap.com14684567821421.jpgBack in 1968, Bree turns to Claire and says “I believe you!  I don’t understand it all, but I believe you.  There must be truth between you and me, no matter what.”  Now we know she really is Jamie’s daughter, because she says the same thing he said to Claire, when she told him she was from the future.  Roger returns and tells them he called the Police anonymously.  Bree asks him to give Claire the information he found in the Reverend’s study.  It’s too dark to read, so Claire asks him what it says.  He tells her that his father found that Jamie Fraser survived Culloden.  When Claire hears this, she turns toward the stones and says, “I have to go back,”  as the sun rises over the standing stones.  The glow is reflected in her eyes.  She’s going back, if she isn’t blinded first! 

So, that’s that!  Before I go, I want to make one observation about Claire.  I really felt bad for her in Season two, not so much in 1746 because of all the deprivation and sadness, but in 1968. The passion that we all love Claire for was completely missing when we first saw her at Rev. Wakefield’s funeral.  As she rediscovers her memories of Jamie, it returns.  Nowhere is it more evident than in 213. She starts out fading into the background while Roger makes the toast. And ends up with the sun gleaming off her face as she passionately faces the future.   Her life of anonymity is over.  I finally understand why she gave up hot baths to stay in 1746.  It was because she really lived there, she didn’t just exist. It was the reason she could become a doctor in Boston.  She never would have done that if she never went to the past.   I can’t wait to see mature Claire take on the 1768 world next season.  Again my compliments to the Emmy award winning work of the cast and crew.  I love you for bringing my beloved Outlander books and characters to life. 

Well, I wish that this could go on and on (she said sarcastically)! All those wonderful recap bloggers out there can keep their job!  Recaps R Not Us! I am so fookin’ glad this is over, I can’t tell you.  I will be on hiatus just so I can wash some underwear, because I’ve missed a few chores while writing this shite!  If you had a few laughs, great,no matter what you were laughing at (even me).  If you hated this because I made fun of so much tragedy, well, don’t read it.  If you don’t understand what the fook I was doing with this, relax, I didn’t either.   Despite all of that, I loved all of you who went on this journey with me.  See you in a few. And remember, ttime is all we have.

And we need more cowbell!

Star Wars and the One Year Anniversary of The Church of Heughanology

***Best if viewed on PC

It has been one year since we opened The Church of Heughanology. It has been a journey of epic proportions.   As of yesterday, we have had 33,000 + hits on this site from over 23 countries.   In honor of this milestone in the Church, we have a presentation that features all of the new skills our COHP, the Great and Powerful Norma D, has learned over the past year.   (Remember, she was as green as a dead fish, when she started.)  

I want to say a special thanks to Tammy B. and Stacey M. for jumping to my rescue when I panicked on this posting!   I get by with a little help from my friends. 


With the great interest in Star Wars and Outlander, merging the two seemed to be a great idea.  I hope you agree.

The story opens with Princess Claire Leia and her crack team of stealth fighters sneaking onto Black Jack Darth Vader’s battle starship to steal the plans for the Wentworth  Death Star!




They run through the long corridors trying to be quiet and not attract attention.  Princess Claire Leia looks over at Fluke and thinks, “He’s really cute, but I feel like I’m kissing my brother when I’m with him!”  Claire shakes her head and tries to concentrate on finding their way through Black Jack Darth Vader’s battle starship so they can get to the plans for the Wentworth Deathstar.   Ten Droid Warriors are at the end of the corrider and the team needs a distraction.   Fluke signals Rupert R2D2 and Angus 3CPO, to provide one. 


As the droid warriors started dancing, Fluke and Claire run into the room labeled “Wentworth Deathstar Planning Room”, grab the plans and return to their high speed airport shuttle. (No one questions why there is only one set of plans for the Deathstar.)  They head back to the bar on Tatooine, so they can look over their bounty and throw back a few (Claire Leia is very fond of the drink).  It is there that Princess Claire & Fluke run into a big wall of fur, Murtaugh Chewbacca and the tall,handsome, Scottish Privateer, Jamie Han McSolo (although he didn’t look so tall next to Chewbacca). 


Princess Claire Leia’s heart does a flip-flop when she sees Jamie.  She swigs a shot of whiskey and thinks dreamily, ” He doesn’t have a Light Sabre, but he’s packing! “.   Fluke takes one look at the Wookie and runs to the bathroom. It is there that his mentor, Dougal Obi Wan, meets up with him.


After handing Fluke a towel to dry his hands, Dougal Obi Wan warns Fluke that Black Jack Darth Vader and his henchmen are entering the bar to capture Princess Claire Leia and that they should get away fast.  Fluke leaves him a tip and runs from the bathroom just in time to see Jamie Han McSolo grab Princess Claire Leia while Murtaugh Chewbacca yells, “Troon” which Fluke takes to mean “Run”.  The four get to McSolo’s Winnebago just in time.  


Jamie Han McSolo tells them he is taking them to Planet Leoch, where Colum Yoda is vacationing so Luke can get some Jedi mind trick training to overcome Black Jack Darth Vader.   He also thinks they should hide the Wentworth Deathstar Plans there.   The vacation paradise is run by Mrs. Jabba the Fitz, who is a personal friend of Colum Yoda.  When they arrive, Jamie Han McSolo is greeted warmly by Mrs. Jabba the Fitz.


Mrs. Jabba the Fitz takes Princess Claire Leia to prepare her for presentation to Himself, Colum Yoda.  She dresses her in the clothing appropriate to the place and time.   It takes many hours to peal away all the layers, but the result is worth it.  They hide the Wentworth Deathstar Plan on Princess Claire Leia, but I can’t imagine where.


Fluke is so happy to see his mentor Yoda, he hardly notices Princess Claire Leia’s “new look”, but Jamie Han McSolo is stopped in his tracks! Although Princess Claire Leia thinks the outfit is inappropriate for battling the evil empire, she does like the way Jamie Han McSolo is noticing her.  “I think he could tickle my fancy!”


Colum Yoda yells, “Hormones, enough already!”  Fluke says, “What hoor moans?  I don’t hear anything.”  Mrs. Jabba the Fitz groans and rolls her eyes.   Yoda says, “Pull ourselves together, we must, If Nutlandia we wish to save!”   Princess Claire Leia and Jamie Han McSolo readjust their clothing and turn to listen.   Murtaugh Chewbacca says (in Wookie talk), “We have the Wentworth Death Star Plan, what can Black Jack Darth Vadar do to us?”  Jamie Han McSolo squirms in his seat.  Just then, Black Jack Darth Vader enters the resort.  Jamie Han McSolo runs to the bathroom.


BJDV (Black Jack Darth Vader) captures Princess Claire Leia and threatens to rip the buns off her head with a mallet unless he gets one or both of his demands.  Here’s the reaction of the group:



And from the restroom:


Just then, Dougal Obi Wan hands Jamie Han McSolo a hand towel.


Dougal Obi Wan suggested that Jamie Han McSolo sacrifice himself for the cause.  After all, buggering isn’t so bad.  Jamie Han McSolo says, “I agree, but no tip for you!” So, Jamie Han McSolo saves Princess Claire Leia and Nutlandia by offering himself up to Black Jack Darth Vader.


Black Jack Darth Vader, struck by lust induced euphoria, breaks into song and dance!


The Nutlandians dance Black Jack Darth Vader into a Leochan Escape Pod, and send him off to nowhere!


Meanwhile back at Planet Leoch, Princess Claire Leia runs to Jamie Han McSolo and thanks him for saving her from Black Jack Darth Vader ripping her buns off.  They share a few drinks…


Princess Claire Leia and her rag tag team of adventurers, has restored Nutlandia to its former glory, but there are many questions left unanswered

Will Black Jack Darth Vadar make it to 1743 and find Jamie?

Why is the Winnebago rocking when Princess Claire Leia and Jamie Han McSolo are in it?

Will Colum Yoda and Mrs. Jabba the Fitz get married? Will they open a bed, breakfast and brothel on Planet Leoch? Oh wait, I think that’s what they have. 

Where  is Murtaugh Chewbacca while the lovers are tickling her fancy in the Winnebago?

Will Princess Claire Leia get cirrhosis of the liver?

Are Angus 3CPO and Rupert R2D2 gay robotic lovers?

What about Fluke?



Just then Dougal Obi Wan appears and leads Fluke into the bathroom.


Dougal Obi Wan Kenobi puts his arm over Fluke’s shoulders, hands him a hand towel,  and says, “Fluke, there will be many more uses for the force in the future, that I have yet to explain to you.  Forget about Princess Claire Leia!  She’s your twin sister anyway!”


Fluke says, “Ew”.   (We are not sure whether he is more disgusted by having to learn “new uses for the force” with Dougal Obi Wan or getting to second base with his sister!) Go figure…


We want to thank all of the Fritters who have faithfully supported the Church of Heughanology in the past year!   Having your appreciation and suggestions has been invaluable.  We will be publishing a “Best of CoH” posting in the next few days.  Submit any of your personal favorites to —–





Outlander Snubbed by the Emmy Nominating Committee – One Irate Fan’s Perspective!

Before I begin, I would like to congratulate Bear McCreary on his well-deserved Emmy nomination for Outstanding Music Composition for a Series.


I know that Outlander fans have been reeling over the results of the Emmy nominations.  I have remained silent (well mostly silent which is slightly screamimg per Miracle Max) about the almost complete snub of Outlander by the Emmy Nominations Committee.  I have made only two memes.


Just a Nice Way of Saying I Love You Even if You’re Losers.


No explanation necessary!

I made this one today for Ron D. Moore:



Since I don’t have to suck up to the tasteless clods who didn’t nominate Outlander for anything but music (I guess they never heard a bagpipe).  I have a plan to address my pain and humiliation as a fan.  I will attack two specific areas – the Committee and the Competition. 

Part I – Vilify the Emmy Nominating Committee (ENC)

As a hockey fan, I am already an expert at  treating the “powers that be” like the turds they are because I never agree with their decisions unless there is a ruling in my team’s favor.


  So hear I go….

This is how the ENC reasons.  Lets just vote for the shows we know then we don't have to work too hard.

This is how the ENC reasons. Let’s just vote for the shows and actors we can remember,  then we don’t have to work too hard.

What I think the ENC would look like.

What I think the ENC would look like.

Look at this group!  First. there is only one computer on the table and no TVs.  How can these idiots see the nominations?  They know they are technologically challenged by the weak hand waves from a few of them. Look closely. Notice that only one member is wearing their glasses!  This is too easy!


What are the qualifications of the ENC members?  Who are they? What training have they had in judging the entries.  How much TV do they really watch?   As a part-time investigative reporter, I am qualified to delve into this mystery.

clueless ref

You won’t believe what I discovered!  Here they are, a few of the bastards that snubbed Outlander! The faces are real, but the names and bios have been changed to protect them from fan retaliation.  Well, maybe the faces aren’t real either but they are close. 

Barton Finkmaster, Chairman Sure he has a 14 year career with the Rockettes & his own Disney Original Mickey Mouse Club hat , but what does he know about 1743 Scotland ? Bupkiss!

Barton Finkmaster, Chairman.  Sure he has a 14 year career with the Rockettes & his own Disney Original Mickey Mouse Club hat , but what does he know about 1743 Scotland ? Bupkes!

Charlene Playchest, an

Charlene Playchest, an “appointee”. Her qualifications are starring in “Charlene Goes to Kama Sutra Camp” (an Indie Flick) and 10 years with Burger King. She almost blew up the committee  room smoking too close to her oxygen tank.

Carl Cowlick, Treasurer  Is a model for Hair Club for Men.  He was refused a part as a Heiland Coo in OL because of his bald pate.    You can imagine how his vote went.

Carl Cowlick, Treasurer.   He is a model for Hair Club for Men. He was refused a part as a Heiland Coo in OL because of his bald pate. You can imagine how his vote went.

Flora Fashionfauxpas designed her version of Claire's Wedding dress in her basement and sent it to Ron.   He didn't choose it.  You know the rest!

Flora Fashionfauxpas (another appointee) designed her version of Claire’s Wedding dress in her basement and sent it to Ron. He didn’t choose it. You know the rest!

Flora's Design- Can you see Rupert and Angus popping the balloons so they can get a peek at Claire's bubbies?

Flora’s Design- Can you see Rupert and Angus popping the balloons so they can get a wee peek at Claire’s bubbies?

Producer H.R. Puffinstuff who brought us the unforgettable  (I forgot what he produced) He was kicked out of the country for dating underage gerbils.   He hates TV!

Producer Dimitri Rotyurcockoff , who brought us the unforgettable (I forgot what movie he produced). He was kicked out of the country for dating underage gerbils.
He hates TV!

Shhhh.You know who he is!  Rumor has it he applied for the role of BJR, but there wasn't enough torture and killing for him!   The ENC voted for his favorites because they were so frightened of him

Shhhh. You know who he is! Rumor has it he applied for the role of BJR, but there wasn’t enough torture and killing for him! The ENC voted for his favorites because they were so frightened of him. He loves the bagpipes.

So that’s the ENC.  Is it any wonder Outlander failed to get a nomination (except Bear)?

Part II – Vilify The Competition

Since the only people I will insult are the individuals on the ENC, I will review the nominees for Outstanding Drama Series (who didn’t get snubbed). I refuse to compare actors from one show to the other. Clearly, Sam, Cait, Tobias, Graham and the rest of the OL cast are so superior, it’s unfair to the competitors. (Caution: if any of these shows are your favorites, then you might not like what I have to say about them in comparison to Outlander.  I hate them all and have never watched them.)

Better Call Saul

This is a lawyer show in which the main lawyer (a former scam artist)will do anything it takes to stay out of a court of law, including settling on the courthouse steps!  First of all,  I would be glued to the screen (sarcasm) watching a bottom-feeding attorney who won’t go into the courthouse.  It sounds like a comedy, not a drama!  I guess because it is a black (not meant ethnically) comedy, its ok to label it a drama.  After all, BCS could never compete as a comedy, if even Big Bang Theory got snubbed .  Compared to Outlander, BCS is blah! P.S. This is a prequel to Mad Men, another fookin’ nominee.  One per customer, ENC! 

Better Call Someone Else besides Saul.  His phone is rusty.

Better Call Someone Else Besides Saul (his phone is rusty).

Downtown Abbey

“The series is set in fictional Downtown Abbey, a Yorkshire country house in England. Downton Abbey is home and seat of the Earl and Countess of Grantham, along with their children and distant family members. Each series follows the lives of the aristocratic Crawley family, their friends and servants during the reign of King George V.” That’s the description from Wikipedia.  Well, I don’t see why this show is so special (aside from winning 27 Emmys).  Outlander has King George II, familial attachments, friendships, aristocrats, servants, in addition to Downtown Frank and Downtown Jamie. Hell, even Claire went downtown on Jamie, too.  DA only has  some woman named Abbey going downtown on this show!  The ballot box is stuffy not stuffed, just like Downtown Abbey!   

I wonder which one is Abbey?  The whole gang looks like they could use a stiff one!

I wonder which one is Abbey? The whole gang looks like they could use a stiff one! Not a one of them look like they could even find “downtown”!


The series is about a female CIA officer with bipolar disorder, and, a United States Marine Corps Scout Sniper. The CIA agent has come to believe that the Marine, who was held captive by al Qaeda as a POW, was “turned” by the enemy and poses a threat to the United States. Now, I know the CIA works in strange ways, but 3 years to figure out if this guy is a threat?  Probably because the female agent is sick and weak with her disorder!  Then there is Outlander who has a strong female protagonist who is capable of curing sickness, lancing boils, and stocking a pharmacy, all while having the best sex ever and looking like a fashion model!   How could the committee have missed this? 

I'm sure he's a spy. I'm not sure he's a spy. What's the matter Carrie, can't you make up your mind?  Oh yea, you can't!

I’m sure he’s a spy.
I’m not sure he’s a spy.
What’s the matter Carrie, can’t you make up your mind? Oh yea, you can’t!

House of Cards

Set in present-day Washington, D.C., House of Cards is the story of Frank Underwood, a Democrat from S. C. 5th Congressional District and House Majority Whip who, after being passed over for appointment as Secretary of State, initiates an elaborate plan to get himself into a position of greater power, aided by his wife, Claire. The series deals primarily with themes of ruthless pragmatism, manipulation and power. (Wikipedia) Now in Outlander, Jamie is Laird (which is better that a congressman), who has been whipped and aided by his wife, Claire.  What is the damn difference?  I can’t see it!

At least I don't have to get raped and tortured like Jamie, even if I deserve it.

At least I don’t have to get raped and tortured like Jamie, even if I deserve it.

Mad Men

I already explained the story in Better Call Saul. This is nepotism, pure and simple!   The only redeeming quality for Mad Men is John Hamm’s large dangling participle.  Needless to say, I am Mad that Mad Men got the nod!

They don't have an Emmy for the largest dangling participle, so they had to give us this.

They don’t have an Emmy for the Most Outstanding Dangling Participle, so they had to give us this.

Orange is the New Black

Orange Is the New Black (often abbreviated to OITNB) is an American comedy/drama series based on Piper Kerwin’s memoir, Orange Is the New Black: My Year in a Women’s Prison (2010), about her experiences at a Federal Corrections Institution (aka the Slammer). To me, this is another crossover from the comedy side, so it wouldn’t have to compete with older versions of Elaine (Julia Louise Dreyfus) and Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow) the Comeback Queens.   In comparison to Outlander, OITNB is comical and the costumes are FEH!

This is a drama?  Put these chicks in Wentworth with no make-up, hair dye, Wen shampoo, clean underwear, nail polish or shoes!  They'll be glad to wear orange.

This is a drama? Put these chicks in Wentworth with no make-up, hair dye, Wen shampoo, clean underwear, nail polish or shoes! They’ll be glad to wear orange.

Game of Thrones

Of course, I would save the best for last and this isn’t funny.   The following is part of an article in Time Magazine this week.   “The Primetime Emmy Awards announced Thursday that  Game of Thrones has won a whopping 24 nominations, more than any other TV show this year. While that would seem to be a reason for the cast and crew to celebrate, the nods come at a time when the HBO show is under fire from even its most dedicated fans for its treatment of women. The season five finale aired over a month ago, but fans are still bristling from controversial scenes this season like the rape of Sansa, the shaming of Cersei and the death of Shireen.” Frankly, I am appalled.  Shame on you ENC!  Shame on you GoT! 


Ron, So here is my strategy for next year.  Make the show about a strong woman who falls through time, and marries a handsome highlander.  Have them go through trials and tribulations, have the hero whipped, raped and tortured and have the woman save him. Film in the most beautiful setting on earth, get the best writers, directors, cast and crew. Have a couple of funny guys for comedic relief, and have the actors wear the most authentic and beautiful wardrobes ever created. Add a hauntingly beautiful music score and some Heiland Coos.  (Sound familiar?)  Then add fire breathing dragons and pay off the ENC.  


So, Outlander, you are the classiest, most intelligent, most beautiful, and most complete show on TV, with an outstanding cast and crew who got ignored by the ENC. I mentioned that I likened this love of Outlander to a home town sports team and the ENC to referees.  I know I’m not far off.



Outlander Not Your Usual Emmys for Everything Part DEUX


CoH received so many comments and suggestions for the Outlander Not Your Usual Emmys for Everything , I determined a sequel was needed.  Sit back and relax, I don’t want to have to do Part 3.  Feel free to take a break while reading. 

This is the longest posting ever on CoH!  Norma D has a bad case of Motor-Mouth and I need a break.

Will this Emmy list ever end.  Where is Kristin Dos Santos when I need her?

Emmy for a Dead Weight LIft With a Split Postion goes to Sam and Cait (Dishonorably submitted by BoolaBeulah.)  There was a difficulty level of 5.  Their coupling scored a 10.

Cait, did you put on some weight?  No, Sam, are you spending too much time in the make up chair?  Kiss me you fool!

Cait, did you put on some weight? No, Sam, are you spending too much time in the make up chair? Kiss me you fool!

Emmy for Quick Time Spiral Spin goes to Sam (dishonorably submitted by Adso the Cheetie). Difficulty factor of 8.  He scored a 9 because he slipped out a little during the turn.  Claire was not affected since she just had to hang on and got the benefit of the pelvic thrust upon landing.

Great landing Sam!  Right on target!  You made it look easy!

Great landing Sam! Right on target! You made it look easy!

Emmy for Best Sibling Fight goes to Laura and Sam.(Dishonorably submitted by Sharon Kay)  The ballocks threat was the deciding factor for this award.  Judges did take a point off because she didn’t actually follow through on the threat.

My wife loves my ballocks, so ye'll not be bruising the merchandise!

My wife loves my ballocks, so ye’ll not be bruising the merchandise!

Emmy for Best Time Travel Cover Up goes to Claire (Dishonorably submitted by Sharon Kay).  When Mrs. Fitz asks Claire about her strange modern bra, Claire says “It’s French” which seems to explain everything!  I wonder if that could work today.  Me Oui!  I believe it could!


Emmy for Best Performance as a Cute Party Girl goes to Mrs. Fitz. It is clear that the old girl had some fun in her day from the s–t comment to Murtaugh, the obvious dig toward the competition (Herself) at the Gathering, and the way she loves to partay!  You go girl!

You smell like s--t, Murtaugh, but I would still like a roll in the hay after ye finish breakfast!

You smell like s–t, Murtaugh, but I would still like a roll in the hay after ye finish breakfast!




Emmy for Best Cold Water Scene goes to the OL Writers (last one was for costuming) (dishonorably submitted by BevH111).  Not only was it titillating (but never gratuitous),  his c–k didn’t break off!   

They almost made me wear he Grandpa pants like in the book, but I convinced Ron that this wasn't gratuitous.

I’m happy to say, my cock didn’t break off!  (I held on for dear life!)

Emmy for Best Laughing Scene(dishonorably submitted by BevH11) goes to Laura , who if BJR’s ego had not already been “deflated”, her laugh would have done so. 

I'm not laughing at you Captain Randall...oh wait, I am.

I’m not laughing at you Captain Randall…oh wait, I am.

Emmy for Best Line for a Short Scottish Man goes to the OL writers.(Dishonorably submitted by Sharon Kay) Angus says, “Does anything catch your eye, lass?” as he stands over Claire to show what’s under his kilt. 


Emmy for Best Repelling Down a Wall in a Kilt goes to Sam (dishonorably submitted by katruaidh)   No rope burns or xxx exposure resulted. 

Oooh-Oooh-Oooh-Oooh- Why didn't I wear my breeks?

Oooh-Oooh-Oooh-Oooh- Crack!
Why didna I wear my breeks?

Emmy for Best Dynamic Duo Since Batman and Robin goes to Rupert and Angus..(Dishonorably submitted by Sharon Kay)


I want to be Batman this time, Rupert!

Emmy for Cockiest Walk goes to Jamie.  We were all wondering if the modesty pouch would fall off as he went down the stairs.


I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my boots, I’m too sexy!


Emmy for Best Delivery of an Euphemism for Swiving goes to Dougal (dishonorably submitted by BevH111)  “The thought of grinding your corn tickles me!”



Emmy for The Wedding Planners of Outlander goes to Jamie, Dougal, Angus Rupert, Ned and Willie. (Dishonorably submitted by Sharon K) Not only did they get a priest, a church, a dress, a ring, a kilt, a wedding feast and a honeymoon suite, they did it in a day! 


Emmy for Most Sensitive Deflowering Ever goes to Claire.  She didn’t make him feel bad cause the first time was “Gone in 60 Seconds”.  She didn’t gripe because he left his shirt and boots on.  She didn’t laugh when he offered to help with her “laces and such” even though she’d been dressing and undressing herself for some time. (Where was he when she had to undo all those buttons on the wedding gown like in the book?) She did laugh that he thought you did it from behind like horses, which was strange since you can do it that way.  Anyway, she was very sweet to him.

Another snappy pick up line!

Another snappy pick up line!


The pearls are very precious to me. As are you, Claire!

Now a very personal award to the reason we have a Church of Heughanology where Heughanologists can be free to express their adoration of all that is Sam Heughan.  Seriously, Sam deserves an Emmy just for coping humorously, gracefully and humbly with a brutal, invasive, silly, adoring, crazy, complicated fandom (especially like me who makes a snarky blog around his looks, life and activities which is not based in fact, only in my insanely insulting mind).  Fondly, Norma D

We are so lucky to be fans of a true gentle man.

We are so lucky to be fans of a true gentleman.

Outlander Not Your Usual Emmys for Everything

Last evening, some TW friends were asking me to do another posting.  I said, “I need inspiration!” and promptly came up with creating new categories for EmmysforOutlander!   I will give credit for the idea to whomever came up with it, but I am writing this all alone!

Sign an autographed picture, write the blog, sign a picture, write the blog.  Hand cramps are coming and I'm  all alone!

Sign an autographed picture, write the blog, sign a picture, write the blog. Hand cramps are coming and I’m all alone!

I have been reviewing many of the memorable scenes in Season One, (because that is all I have to look at right now, thank you very much, Starz)!   Nevertheless, besides the more obvious nominations (Sam, Cait, Tobias, Ron D. Moore, Writers, Directors, Costume Design, Music, Sets, Cinemetography, etc.)  There are a few notable things that the Emmys often overlook.


Emmy for Coolest Car Ever goes to Fraaaank Randall.

This car is obviously a chick magnet and the ONLY reason I would hesitate to pick Jamie over Fraaaaank.   Obviously, Claire was young and gullible when she fell for Frank.  Perhaps even a little shallow….

You know, Fraaaank, the only reason I agreed to come with you on this boring history trip, was your car.

You know, Fraaaank, the only reason I agreed to come with you on this boring history trip, was your car.

I don't know where Claire is, but thank God she left the car and the keys!  I couldn't live without them!

I don’t know where Claire is, but thank God she left the car and the keys! I couldn’t live without them!

Emmy for Best Jamie Dismount (from a horse) Without Exposing His “Wowwhatawillie”  goes to Sam Heughan. (Mentioned dishonorably by @BevH111)


Good One…Optimum thigh without XXX rating.

Emmy for The Most Ridiculous Question and Answer Ever  goes to Herself and the OL Writers.  When Jamie says to Claire, “I could throw you over my shoulder.  Now, you don’t want me to do that, do ya?”


Did he just say he’d throw me over his shoulder? Oh my…..

And she says. “No!”    How many of us said….


Emmy for Scrawniest Cat goes to the Cat eating wedding feast leftovers on the table. (Mentioned dishonorably by @BevH111)


I was unable to find a picture of the cat. I think he choked on a fish bone.  Accepting posthumously for Scrawny Cat is his best friend who ate all the food before Scrawny could get anything but bones. 


My last words to Scrawny Cat were. “It’s too bad I never learned the Heimlich Maneuver.”

The Emmy for Most Unusual Legs was shared by Colum MacKenzie closely followed by Peg Leg Ian.


Ye do the Hokey-Pokey and ye turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about! Everybody dance!



Did anyone find it strange that the British took Ian’s wooden leg and made him hop home? But they arrested Jamie and Colin?

Emmy for the Most Goosebumps on a Pair of Bewbs goes to Leghair.

Later in the book,  Jamie talks about getting a cockstand every time he passes a poultry shop. Could this be the cause?

Later in the book, Jamie talks about getting a cockstand every time he passes a poultry shop. Could this be the cause?

Emmy for Most Sexual Activity on One TV Show Without Being Gratuitous goes to Ron D. Moore. (If he says it isn’t gratuitous, then it isn’t.)

” I must remember to mention that we are not being gratuitous every time someone asks about all of the OL sex and assaults. I don’t want to be cheesy!”


Emmy for the Best Rescue of a Hero goes to the Heiland Coos. (Mentioned dishonorably by @BevH111)



“Done in by Cows? And I was worried that hanging Jamie was an ignoble death! I think I’m covered in cow poo.”

Emmy for the Best Bathing Suit Design goes to Mill Pond Jamie.

They almost made me wear he Grandpa pants like in the book, but I convinced Ron that this wasn't gratuitous.

They almost made me wear the Grandpa pants like in the book, but I convinced Ron that this wasn’t gratuitous.

Emmy for the Most Bodice Ripping That Wasn’t Gratuitous goes to Claire Fraser and Jenny Fraser

image image image

Emmy for Best Dancing Under Duress goes to Murtaugh. (Mentioned dishonorably by @BevH111)


I won’t dance for any amount of money! All right, I’ll take half of that apple.


I know I ate the apple, but do I really have to?

Emmy for the Show Most in Need of Sub-Titles goes to Outlander

You don't want to look like a multed cunnel aka melted candle at your wedding?

You don’t want to look like a multed cunnel aka melted candle at your wedding?

Emmy for the Best Standing Stones goe to the Craig na Dune Standing Stones


Do we look fake?  Is this our good side? Ron said to just stand very still and buzz. So we are.

While I am sure Outlander will garner many awards for the key performances, I wanted to recognize “the little people” on behalf of Sam.


Norma D Celebrates 1K Twitter Followers!


In honor of reaching 1k (unlike Sam’s 100+K) on Twitter I am celebrating by offering Open Enrollment into the Church of Heughanology and having a contest to see how much you have learned from Norma D over the past 6.5 months.  The prize will be a typical Norma D style gift which will be mailed to you in a plain brown wrapper (no kidding).  In order to enroll in CoH you need to follow this site which is not necessary to enter the contest. 

Contest Rules

All you need to do is answer six questions and one tie-breaker.  All answers can be found in the Church of Heughanology pages and postings.  The tie-breaker can be garnered from convos between Norma D and Twitter followers or from something you liked that I said in CoH.   Everyone (follower or not) is welcome to participate.  Deadline for submissions will be midnight, June 10th, 2015 (EST).  No fighting or accusations of favoritism will be tolerated.  We are not children.   We are adults who act like children. 

child 2

My Dad and Grandfather are idiots. I need to get inside and finish my science project so I can rule the world!


I’m kicking you out of my way, so I can win Norma D’s contest!

Watch this space:  Prize Information and Pictures to Come. 

Contest Questions 

(I am adding pictures for the intellectually challenged)

1.  How many family jewel euphemisms did Norma D create for CoH?(Below is a Family Jewel Euphemism that doesn’t count toward this answer)


What does this look like? Right, too small. It is an unprotected Twinky.

Here is a “safe sex” Twinky that is securely covered.

2.  What are the total number of movies in production that Norma D is starring in with Sam? (these are not two)


No one wants to see the wedding night of George Clooney even if Sam plays him. This one was axed.


Sam was concerned about making this picture because Norma had a gun! She’s so careless and drinks a lot!

3.  When did the Church of Heughanology begin? (When was the first page posted?)


4.  What song does Sam sing on the Church of Heughanology?


Sam didn’t sing in this one. The King of Men lip Synced the King. (Norma borrowed Ann Margaret’s boobs before they sagged.)

5.  Besides 1K Twitter followers for Norma D, what are her other two significant recognitions this past 6.5 months? (Hint:  Look for the words Significant Recognition in the posting). 

6. What is the secret of CoH’s success?


The secret of our success has nothing to do with sex. Well a little, but only imaginary.

 Tie Breaker Question

What is your favorite Norma D phrase, saying, or expletive and why?


 Submit your entries (one entry per person, no groups) to

Finally, I want to thank all of you for the past 6.5 months of love and laughter.  It has been a wild ride for a virgin Tweeter and Blogger.  More to come!


What the fook am I going to do next to keep this crowd calm? Maybe it’s time for the Donkey!


As COHP of the Church of Heughanology lifestyle, it behooves me to campaign for an Emmy for Sam Heughan, the actor who plays Jamie Fraser in Outlander.   I am motivated to do so by the media who seems to think his role is so easy that he doesn’t deserve the Emmy like Cait or Tobias.   I beg to differ.
First, Cait is Claire.  Its easier to play yourself in a role.  No insult to her.   She does deserve an Emmy (for her stamina alone!)   Plus she’s had to hold her own against all those men!



Cait ends up on top!

Here is my take on Claire.  She is a spirited, beautiful, sexually assertive woman who is brave yet vulnerable.  She is a survivor who does so with wit, charm and lots of whisky.   Is this not a description of Cait?


Then Tobias is playing a character who is so patently evil, there is no other way to play him.  The occasional lip twitch and rat tooth look, notwithstanding, Tobias has no option but to play the villain.  The words he speaks make him sound evil (even if said with no emotion).  “I live in darkness and darkness is where I belong.”  It is the villain, no mistake!  He deserves the Emmy just for all the hatred he must endure from fans and store cashiers!


So here are my reasons for nominating Sam for an Emmy.


1.  Sam has completely transformed himself for this role.  Before he got this role, he was a shy, sci-fi nerdy, stage actor, who looked a little too wimpy in some IMBD pictures for me. Even Herself (Diana Gabaldon) thought he was “grotesque and was a poor pick for Jamie.”

I am so wimpy, I don’t even want to play with those naked girls over there. I’m too skinny and I am wearing too much lipstick.

I am wearing my membership pin  for the Bad Hair Club for Men.

I am wearing my membership pin for the Bad Hair Club for Men.


I am a pasty white Englishman playing prince charming pretending to be 007!

Here he is playing Jamie Fraser (it’s miraculous!):

image   image image image image image image

Even Diana changed her tune.


Now that’s a transformation!  (It certainly isn’t because of his costume.) If they had an Emmy for best butt, he’d be a shoe-in.  Great Acting.  #EmmyForHeughan
2.  Then he had to learn to speak with a strong Scottish accent and the Gaelic!  He was so good, I had to turn on the closed captions so I could understand what he said at first!    It was kind of like listening to Robin Williams describing the invention of golf.
Like Jamie in the book, the more angry he got, the thicker his accent became.  Take a look at the argument between Jamie and Claire in The Reckoning.    Either Cait had used all his hair products or that is acting, people, great acting. #EmmyForHeughan

456   th8IJ4A8RR

3. Sam had to learn to ride a horse in a kilt and pretend he really liked it.  He talked about feeling liberated while riding a horse commando, even at a gallop.  Great acting.   #EmmyForHeughan

Hope my gel cushion doesn’t show!


4.  Sam had to act romantic and sexy, while portraying a  22 year old virgin.   Sam was 34 years old and by no means a virgin when he took on this role.  Even though some of his IMBD pictures made him look wimpy, he was still hunky enough to play Batman!   abc xyz I’m sure the ladies loved that look all over the world!  So it was a formidable acting challenge to play young Jamie the virgin.  He used eye sex,  hand sex, and knee porn before he got laid three times by Claire on the honeymoon . Here are some techniques he used to appear virginal.

 image thT82A0980  thQD5SC4PC




image image

All of this from a man who probably has to fight off women at the car wash and probably lost a few times on purpose…a man whose Little black book has its own library.   Now that’s acting…real acting.     #EmmyForHeughan

5. Sam had to learn how to be a warrior.  Sam is no slouch when it comes to munro-bagging, running marathons, tagging sharks, and Peaking. Being a warrior calls for different skills, like wielding a sword, dagger, or gun (sometimes he practiced on Claire) and lots of yelling. This is great acting.  #EmmyForHeughan


This must be a gun.


I know, Claire, I’m not supposed to stab YOU! I’m just practicing.


Now you stand there and I’ll pretend to threaten you with my sword and you act scared. Ok?


Discretion is the better part of valor. Run for your lives!


Henry, you’re not supposed to really hit me! Is my face ok?


The gun looks scarier if you make a snarly face.

6. Finally, his portrayal of pain.  It is not easy to act like you’re in pain, when you’re not.  Jamie played by Sam is in a lot of pain a lot of the time.  This is great acting.  I can’t make jokes about this.  It is too raw.

thUDCS72PT sam-heughan-outlander-tobias-menzies-starz



One tear. That's great acting!

One tear. That’s great acting!

Suffice it to say, there is no Outlander without Jamie and there is no better Jamie anywhere than Sam Heughan.  Its not easy to bring a book boyfriend for over 25 million, to life.  Sam has done so with grace, charm and great acting.