I am staring at a mere two-week delay for our next episode, and I am already feeling bereft. What will Droughtlander 2.5 be like? Thank goodness, pre-season hockey starts in two months.
So, I decided I would fill the next two weeks with some things I wanted to get off my chest. I have remained silent publicly about Outlander Season Two. I didn’t want to write something every week, so I just did a few memes for each episode, but they hardly captured all of my thoughts. I wanted to add a few of my frighteningly inane comments to the fodder written everywhere about everything Outlander. This is about all 13 episodes, but I will break it into 3 parts, so it isn’t so cumbersome that you get bored. You might need a snack and some wine, however.
Claire wakes up lying on the grass by the Standing Stones, screaming and crying because her ring is broken (at least it looked that way, if you didn’t have the sound on). She manages to get picked up on a lonely road by a passing Scottish vacuum cleaner salesman in an automobile. He takes her to the hospital because she’s dressed in her standard 1746 Scottish outfit and she must be crazy. She finds out she’s no longer in 1746, she’s in 1948 (based on the music played on the radio in her hospital room and the fact that the Hoover salesman told her). Yes, she’s back and Fraaank shows up to tell her how happy he is that she returned (all the while shaking his head “no”). She finally tells him her story and that she is pregnant by Jamie. He gets verklempt. He bleats, “Claaaire” as only he can and proceeds to do a fit-throwing session that seems to be an inbred reaction in the Randall family tree. He breaks everything in Reverend Wakefield’s old shed, which was a bunch of useless stuff anyway. He may have killed a few rats, accidentally.
Nevertheless, Fraaaank gets his revenge, when he tells Claire he’ll keep her and the child, if she never mentions what happened to her again, while he lives. (That’s right, Fraaank, let her suffer silently, just so you can have a child you would never have had and your world put back together.) He adds (paraphrased), “We’ll have none of that whining or researching history because that is my job.” (Nice.) He burns her 1746 outfit, even having verified that it is authentic. (This does not seem like an acceptable historian behavior.) He did look a bit sheepish, if you know what I mean (baaaaaa).
He flies Claire to her new home in Boston, where he turns into Jamie at the bottom of the airplane steps/sailing ship ramp. Huh?
(It was an artistic transition to get the rest of us back to 1743 so we could find out how she got back to her own time. My head only spun a little, since I had read the books and knew the basic story. But what about my fellow Outlander TV series brethren? Did their collective heads spin and pea soup come out of their collective mouths due to the confusing start to Season 2? (Get my nausea medicine, please.)
Even so, I breathed a sigh of relief when Claire and Jamie were back together. Jamie and Claire arrive in France, (Jamie got off the ship first because he forgot his nausea medicine and couldn’t stand being seasick any longer). Their loving walk through Le Havre, whetted my sexual appetite. However, Jamie is suffering from PTSD over the incident at Wentworth Prison. It makes Claire turn into BJR whenever he gets interested in canoodling. Understandably, this is a monumental turn off for Jamie. Claire and I were very disappointed.
After they get settled in their room, Jamie is grateful to have a bed that does not roll like the ship. In lieu of sex, they work on their plan to stop the Jacobite rebellion. They both freeze in place when they realize they have to tell Murtaugh something to get him to help their efforts. The best they come up with is “Trust me”. As usual, Murtaugh does. They all get to go to Paris after Jamie takes his shirt off for his cousin, Jared (no relation to the Subway guy). They get to live in Jared’s Paris apartments, use his servants, his money, and drink all of his booze.
However, at the docks in Le Havre, Claire rubs Count Sanger Man (phonetic pronunciation of St. Germaine) the wrong way by getting his pox-ridden ship burned and adds to her long list of enemies.
After the first episode I had an opportunity to interview some fans.
See, even the Meerkats agree with me! More Claire and Jamie sex!
When this episode began, I thought I had accidentally turned on Game of Thrones or the Vikings! Jamie is finally getting it on with Claire, when she turns into BJR and he stabs her about 1,000 times! (Relax, it’s a nightmare, but he’s no longer “in the mood”for sex or sleep – a disappointment to Claire and I, again).
Murtaugh and Jamie go to the park for some sword play. Murtaugh reminisces about Lard Bucket (Rupert) and Big Head (Angus). He’s so homesick, he actually misses the buggers!
Jared (no relation to the Subway guy) gets Jamie a face to face meeting with the Bonnie Prince, which is not very impressive. Jamie quickly understands that the porch light is on but there’s nobody home! Bonnie Prince Charlie is a legend in his own mind and God talks to him.
Of course, the only safe place for Jamie and the other Jacobites to talk is at a fancy cat house in Paree. Jamie is forced to go to the brothel repeatedly to plot the Jacobite rebellion with the Prince. I wonder what kind of “uprising” they worked on. I was excited, hoping to see some sex, but the ladies and gentlemen were all dressed. There wasn’t even any grunting. The only interesting part was the wide variety of dildos on display! Yes, you heard me correctly, dildos! I think this was RDM’s attempt at alleviating the fan’s sexual frustrations. Quite a selection. I hear they are for sale at $19.99 in the Outlander store, batteries not included (not really). It’s a joke, but I heard they did decide to include batteries.
Claire goes shopping for some sleeping potions for Jamie’s nightmares and meets the frog-like Master Raymond. He has a very spooky apothecary, that has a little bit of everything, including a stuffed alligator. (Kind of like a very dark Wall Drugs without the marmalade and T-shirts.) See the similarities?
Next, Claire meets Louise de Rohan in Paris and they become strange bedfellows. Louise is a wealthy socialite married to a Marquis. She is providing chaperone services for Mary Hawkins, a young English girl engaged to a rich old man! We meet Louise almost naked, beating her personal groomer, who is waxing her legs. She also has her whoo-whoo and underarms done because it is “de rigueur”.
Claire decides to get a wax job like Louise, in an attempt at attracting Jamie back to her charms. Then comes the famous “honey pot” scene with a few twists from the book. Jamie is heartbroken over the deforestation of Claire’s honey pot, but he is intrigued. Sexual overtures ensue, but BJR’s ugly visage interferes. No sex again! On top of that, Claire decides to wear a very red gown with a plunging décolletage to go to their first invitation to Versailles so she’ll get noticed (for thwarting the rebellion purposes only, I’m sure).
Jamie’s head is spinning!
Despite all of this, the Versailles event is quite enlightening:
We get to meet Annalise, Jamie’s old flame, whom he fought a duel over.
Jamie and Murtaugh go to a formal dressing event for King Louis and get to watch him deal with constipation in a very public manner. Jamie suggests his famous “Parritch Caca Cure” and he becomes fast friends with the King.
M. Duvernay, the Minister of Finance, gets fresh with Claire and Jamie throws him in the pond. It is embarrassing, because they need him to “just say no” to financing the Jacobite rebellion (a huge part of their plan). No money, no war.
Claire runs into the Duke of Sandringham and finds out BJR is not dead. She decides not to tell Jamie, so that he won’t go back to Scotland to exact his vengeance. The hangman is waiting for him there.
But the worst part was the swan dress. Claire looked like a nun in comparison to the Queen.
This episode starts with Jamie returning from another long night of hooring and drinking with the Prince (of course, Jamie is not involved with the hooring.) He says he is trying to get information so they can stop the rebellion. By day he has to run Jared’s (not the Subway guy) wine business. By night he is with the Bonnie Prince at Madame Elise’s Hoors R Us. He gets little sleep, but he is fine with that because he only dreams of Black Jack in Claire’s red dress anyway.
The pregnancy is coming along nicely, but because Jamie smells of booze, smoke and cheap perfume, Claire gets queasy with morning sickness. (Of course this signals no sex, and I am thinking of ordering the Outlander Madame Elise Dildo Collection, just for some respite.) In the meantime, Claire is visiting with Louise de Rohan because she has nothing better to do, and ends up giving sex education (yes, she still remembers how) to Mary Hawkins. It is there that Claire realizes Mary is on Frank’s family tree.
Claire visits Master Raymond again and he suggests she go the the Charity Hospital in Paris to volunteer because she feels so useless. With her medical skills she should be Director of Nursing within a week. At the hospital, Claire meets Mother Hildegard and her medical assistant, Bouton, the dog. They put Claire on the Pee Patrol emptying bedpans in her silk dress. Mother Hildegard catches Claire tasting the urine and realizes she is not just another pretty face.
Meanwhile, Jamie gets some disturbing news that the Prince is having secret negotiations for funding, without telling him! How can he thwart the Jacobites without information? When he returns home, he is told Claire is at the hospital. He waits, and waits, and waits for her, and is very angry by the time she returns home. Claire is on cloud nine after the weewee tasting and the work with Mother Hildegard, so she doesn’t understand Jamie’s anger. She tells him how she feels useful and fulfilled with the work. He counters with a paraphrased remark like, “And I spend my days watching naked women play charades and such! When do I get to feel useful? When do I get to feel fulfilled?”
They agree to disagree and Jamie heads out to the brothel. (Now right here would have been a golden opportunity for Claire to say, “I’ve got something that will make you feel useful!” and she could put on her sexy Redcoat outfit! Maybe if she looks like BJR, Jaime will see Claire, and he will be cured! AND THEY WILL HAVE LOTS OF SEX.
Sadly that does not happen. When Jamie gets to the brothel, the Bonnie Prince is not around and there is a naked lady getting painted very artistically on the stage. Of course, Jamie pays no attention, and focuses on a young pickpocket working the room, instead. He decides to hire the boy to intercept messages sent to and from the Bonnie Prince. Jamie brings him home, declares the name “Claudel” is not manly enough, christens him Fergus Fraser, and has his first son.
When the interception of the Bonnie Prince’s correspondence results in a letter containing strange sheet music, Jamie goes to the Charity Hospital to get Mother Hildegarde’s help in deciphering the code. Claire has already prepared her.
When the music is deciphered, they discover that the Bonnie Prince’s benefactor turns out to be the dreaded “S”, the Duke of Sandringham (otherwise known as the Cowardly Lion)!
Jaime and Claire are at Versailles in the library. M. Duvernay is playing chess with Jamie and the Comte Sanger Man is strolling around the room, (I guess this is the exercise track). Claire walks away from the Chess game because she’s ruining Jamie’s concentration. She grabs a drink sitting all by itself on a passing tray (suspicious?). Sanger Man watches her drink it and she becomes instantly ill! Jamie rushes to her rescue and she survives. She believes Sanger Man is behind the poisoning attempt. She seriously considers joining AA.
Later Claire doesn’t die so, Jamie suggests she get out of bed and give a lavish dinner party. He wants the Duke of Sandringham to see first hand what a idiot the Bonnie Prince is. Perhaps, the Duke will think twice about investing in the uprising. Claire decides she has to tell Jamie that BJR is alive. In stead of being upset, he says he has a new lease on life. Jamie is excited that he can watch the blood leave BJR’s body when he kills him. He says it will give him something to look forward to. (Maybe if he kills BJR, he will have sex again, which is what I am looking forward to!)
Claire is called for an emergency at Louise de Rohan’s apartments. Apparently, Louise is with child but her husband is not the father. Claire talks her out of aborting the child and getting the Marquis to believe he is the father. Claire assures her that the child will be fine living with a man who is not the father, as long as the child is loved (not so subtle foreshadowing by the writers here.)
Next thing we know horny Jamie returns from a night at the brothel, all ready to get it on with Claire. As he gets undressed, Claire notices bites on his upper thighs! He tries to backtrack how he got them, but he mishandles his explanation. Here’s how I would have changed the writing for this scene.
However, that is not how things went. He decides to sleep in a nearby closet with a twin bed in it. Claire comes to find him and is ready to get it on anyway, because, well, he’s better than nothing! The only problem with this scene was the blue lighting. ( if they would have been playing a little Barry White, it might have worked.)
After they “find” each other (which would have been easier with more light), they hear the noise from a possible break-in. Jamie goes to investigate.
It turns out to be the Bonnie Prince escaping from a tete a tete during which he suffers a bite. (It must be Friday Nite Bite Nite!) The Frasers put 2 and 2 together and realize, the Bonnie Prince is the father of Louise’s child. They decide to use the information at the upcoming Dinner Party.
Now comes the excitement. It is like a Keystone Kops movie! On the day of the Dinner Party, Claire is called to the hospital to help with some accident victims. Murtaugh and Fergus escort her and Mary Hawkins. They get delayed with all of the injured patients. When they come out to go home, they find the carriage has been sabotaged and they must walk home. Fergus goes ahead to notify Jamie that Claire will be late. On the way, the ladies are accosted by roving rapists who beat up Murtaugh, which leaves them with no protection. They start on Mary Hawkins and discover she is a virgin! When they go after, Claire, one of them recognizes that she is “La Dame Blanche” and they all run off. Murtaugh and Claire get home and have to hide the unconscious Mary, because her Uncle and Fiance are at the Dinner Party. If they find out she was raped, she will be ruined. Jamie and Claire suspect Sanger Man is behind this. The Frasers proceed with the dinner party despite all of this! You guessed it, the dinner is a fiasco!
At the end of all this drama, Mary Hawkins wanders into the dinner party in an opium induced stupor. Alex Randall tries to corral her. Mary’s Uncle and fiance erroneously try to beat up Jamie for ruining Mary’s reputation, Murtaugh gets rid of some frustration, and Fergus ate a hearty meal!
So that’s the first four episodes, as I saw it.
All in all, the entire Outlander team has done a wonderful job with Season 2. There is a lot that happens and they have done a stellar job condensing the information while still making sense. They have captured the sophistication and glamour of 18th century Paris, beautifully, particularly the detail at Versailles.
I do have one problem with the writers, however. The writers made Jamie’s PTSD, as it relates to the Fraser’s’ sex life, last way too long. Excuse me for repeating myself, but I feel strongly! That wasn’t in the book. Jamie recovered from the sexual issues right after Claire’s intervention at the Abbey, although he continued to have nightmares.
An important way the Frasers connect to each other is through sex. It is the glue to their relationship! So what’s with months of celibacy? I heard someone say, it is because they are not newlyweds anymore. Say what? They’re young, healthy! They have clean beds with fancy sheets on them! Claire’s pregnant and her hormones are screaming at her! They should be screwing like rabbits! We waited 10 months for Season 2! It’s like opening a beautifully wrapped present and finding an empty box!
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
All right, I’ll stop my rant. Unlike those who read Outlander for the history, I read it for the sex. There, I’ve said it, and I’m not proud of myself!
Now that I think about it, if they had a lot of sex in the show, they’d have to cut some of the other scenes. Could that work? What scenes would I delete? What would you delete? Think about it!
Watch for Parts 2 & 3, coming soon to a The Church of Heughanology near you!