I got a text from Sam the other day, saying he wanted to talk about the future of CoH. (No, I do not have his phone number, he uses disposable phones when texting me just for that reason). Since I am CoH, I experienced a tremor of concern about the conversation. I always love my quality time with Sam, but this didn’t sound the same. I asked what he wanted to talk about and he said “Moderation”. I could not imagine what that could mean. I have worked hard to establish a level of expectation for the followers of our “Church”, and moderation is not on the list anywhere.
What could he want me to moderate? I pride myself on tongue-in-cheek, outrageous, sarcastic, risque, commentary on the Fandom, Starz , Sam, the other cast & crew, critics, world peace and Norma D, herself! I am expected to be over the top. I’m Norma D! The one word everyone thinks of about me and CoH is snarky and the other is OMG! (Um, I think that’s more than one word but you get my drift!) I am the Mother of Shock and Awe! Moderation is an anathema (look that one up). Could Sam be caving to pressure from the inept Starz PR machine? (They’re the ones who talked Sam in to not showing that 10-12 square inches of space on his body, never seen on the screen to date! )
Oh no….Not my Sam…..nooooo! What could he be thinking?
After I had several sleepless nights, we arranged to meet over coffee. He was his usual jovial self, but seemed a bit tense. Finally, he spoke. “Norma, you have been the best COHP I could have ever had. You have done over 45 postings in CoH and started a second blog, near and dear to my Mother’s heart (the Art of Aging). You’re new meming venture is off the wall and over the top with 100’s of memes. We have reached over 82 countries. We’ve had over 23,500 viewings with over 35,800 hits to the site. We have about 1,800 regular followers and we have been open less than 17 months. We’re a success and it’s all due to you! But it’s taking a toll. I can see you slipping over the edge of sanity and it scares me!
I knew in the past I’d gone off the deep end (poor Bill), but CoH had given new meaning to my life after I realized Mr. DeMIlle wasn’t going to call me for my close-up (aka retirement). I have bloomed and become an internationally known Sam Heughan fanatic! Now, I wasn’t stalking (although every day I asked my friends on Twitter where he was). Nor was I shipping (although I asked my Fritters who he was with hoping it was a certain someone whose name cannot be said). Nor did I post a map on my wall with stickpins in it pinpointing his daily travels and hers (oh, maybe I did). But I wasn’t a fanatic nor was I crazy! I’ve been to experts!
I looked at Sam big eyed with tears pooling in them (I was the best crier in acting school ) and asked, “So, are you firing me, Sam?” He looked at my sympathetically and said, “Don’t pull that big-eyed teary look on me! I learned to do the same thing at the Conservatoire !” I knew the jig was up. I was getting fired. I thought about what my life was like before I rediscovered Outlander and met Sam.
I asked Sam, “What did I do wrong?” He said, ” Would you like a few examples? Here!”
“I guess I overdid it a little,” I admitted. He said, “I won’t fire you this time, but you’ve got to get some control over your snark! You’re killing me here. Starz is breathing down my neck and is threatening to put a monitor in the church!” I screamed, “That’s Unamerican!” This is what flashed before my eyes:
Sam looked down and said, “Starz has powers even you cannot overcome!”
I thought about how the Church could continue while obeying the archaic Starz guidelines. How could I be truly creative fettered by the chains of censorship? How could I provide the open, accepting, inclusive environment that the Church has been famous for with the weight of Starz oppression, holding me back! How could Sam ask me to change this, when the very success he praises, came from my total lack of respect for any institution, person, or belief in the world! At CoH, everything had been fair game! (I’ve even criticized Terry!) I knew things would not be the same. I’ve made my decision. Sam won’t fire me. I Quit!
So, this is my last hurrah, the final countdown, the end, the party’s over, bon voyage, turn the lights out, close the door, the end, it’s done, the last page, the last word, put the lid on it, vacate, kibosh, the last dance, the termination, the death, the annihilation, the final ah, guh-bye! Here is my guiding mantra. Sing it Frankie!
And now the end is near
So I face the final curtain
My friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll state my case of which I’m certain.
I’ve lived a life that’s full
I’ve traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way.
Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exception
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
Oh, and more, much more than this
I did it my way.
Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall
And did it my way
I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried
I’ve had my fails, my share of losing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way
Oh, no, no not me
I did it my way
For what is a woman, what has she got
If not herself, then she has not
To say the things she truly feels
And not the words she would reveal
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way (of course)
UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN
TA TA FOR NOW
SEE YOU LATER, ALLIGATOR
DON’T CRY FOR ME, ARGENTINA
KISS SAM GOODBYE FOR ME
I LOVE YOU ALL
I’LL NEVER FORGET YOU!
Don’t get mad! Yes. This is a joke. See you after April 9, I’ll be binge-watching Outlander, Season 1, Emulsion, and A Princess for Christmas until then (just like I’ve been doing since season one ended last June) !!!