I. Roseanne Rosseannadanna, cannot believe what this world is coming to! I received this letter from Mr. Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey. He asks, “Hey, Roseanne Rosannadanna, what’s with these crazy Outlander fans?”
As my Grandma, Nana Roseannadanna, said, “It’s always something. If it ain’t one thing it’s another!” Now as I understand it, these Outlander fans are angry with Starz for holding up the release of Season 2 until April. It reminds me of when I ran into Princess Lee Radziwill in the toilet at Macy’s. You know her, the classy lady that no one knows what country she’s the Princess of. Anyway, she came out of the stall and had a long piece of toilet paper stuck to the heel of her shoe. And the more she walked , the more the paper got wet and dirty. It was makin’ me sick! I said, “Hey. Lee, are you trying to make me sick? You got a wet, dirty paper stuck to your shoe!”
Anyway, uh, where was I? Oh, the Outlander fans, yea, I’ve seen them. They love this series of “historial, sci-fi, romance books” (hint hint….pick one) that Starz turned into a TV Series. There was one fan outside of the Starz TV offices begging them to release Jamie, because he was seasick!
As my optimistic aunt, Pollyanna Roseannadanna, used to say, “He’s a fictional character. He has no stomach! Get over it!” Are you people nuts?
It appears most of the ruckus centers around the male star of the show. I decided I had to see what all the fuss was about and a friend in the business (my Uncle Carlos Santana Roseannadanna) said he would introduce me to Jamie/Sam Heughan on the set.
Well, ladies, I was not impressed! He was almost naked, except for this bag tied around his dangling participle. (They were filming ANOTHER sex scene). As he turned I saw his butt, but I was distracted by a huge mole on his cheek (face). I thought that must be tough to shave with. No wonder he has this scraggly beard. He shaves around the mole, so he has to match up the other side!
After I got over the shock of that, I noticed he had the biggest pecs I ever saw! I asked him if they were both the same size. (You know how it is, one always seems bigger than the other or hangs longer than the other.) He said they were even. I asked him if they were real or silicone. (I gave them a squeeze, but they were very hard, so I figured silicone!)
He was very tall. I got a crick in my neck looking up at him. He didn’t even offer to massage it. Even so, I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, could see he had red curly hair! Yuck!
I mentioned that I saw a church named after Sam on the internet – the Church of Heughanology. He acted like he wasn’t aware. I told him about my religious Cousin, Hosanna Roseannadanna, who was caught drinking the communion wine and making little cucumber sandwiches with the hosts. So, I let him know she was looking for a job and if he had anything open at the church, to let me know. He said, “I’ll check with Norma D.”
Well, as usual. they’re trying to cut my part of the program short. I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, who was mentored by Walter Kronkite, know when I’ve overstayed my welcome. My Aunt, the famous appliance heiress, Amana Roseannadanna, says, “When you open the refrigerator and can’t find anything, it’s time to go”.
You know, it’s strange. I found that when I talked to Walter, I kept looking at his mustache. It started to wiggle and I thought it was a caterpillar.
Anyway, I hope these Outlander fans get some help. That Sam/ Jamie is nothing to get all hot and bothered over, I’m not bragging, but I, Roseanna Roseannadanna, know a hot guy when I see one. (is she trying to convince us?) Take my Cuban Cabana boy cousin, Havana Roseannadanna, now that’s a looker and he comes with cocktails!
Besides, April’s not that far away! I’m not bragging, but I, Roseanne Rosannadanna, waited 20 years for a Star Wars sequel. Waiting for Outlander for a less than one year is nothing!
It’s always something.