Sam Heughan picked me to lead the CoH because he says I am the most interesting woman in the world. We all know I am a famous actress and the Chief and Only High Priestess of the Church of Heughanology. Part of my success is that I have Multiple Personalities living in my head. My fans often ask me how many personalities I have, so I decided to explore that information, as I am really not sure!
Before we begin, I want to emphasize this is not the same as the Multiple Personality Disorder about which you may have heard. Mine is not a disorder. I am not making fun of those who suffer from mental illness (even though my favorite movie is “What about Bob?” and my favorite poem is from that movie). I am one with you.
I provide a home to all my personalities. We have a very happy family living in my head! Most of the time we get along, but occasionally we become dysfunctional (as any family does). It is totally healthy. Because it can get noisy and confusing at times, I took over representing them to the public. One day, I stood up and said, “Everybody stand back, I’ll do the talking!” And they let me. So, the reason I am the most interesting woman in the world, is that I have all of these personalities and their talents to draw upon when I need them. Sam says I am good because I get along with everyone, even him.
So here goes (This may not be a definitive or a final list). I have to do this list alphabetically or I’ll go mad (no offense)!
Lucille Ball – I love Lucy. She gives me the ability to do as I damn well please and say “Fook ’em if they can’t take a joke.” She also taught me how to live with a man and never have to sleep in the same bed with him. She has contributed a love of slapstick comedy (hence our Second Banana Theater) and she always has a plan to get me out of trouble!
Norma Desmond – As I explained, Norma D (moi), is one of my personalities who took charge of the others. I know that is confusing, but it is perfectly acceptable in our family! We needed a leader! And Norma has all the qualities necessary. She is decisive, loving (particularly to younger men), productive (she signs about 100 photos per day) a fashion icon, able to negotiate compromise (or she sends Max to fix it), believes in herself despite all other opinions, and mean as hell! We are all afraid of her, but she keeps order. None of us talk about Joe’s murder/suicide. She is the only smoker. Sam loves her!
Ernestine, the Telephone Operator – Ernestine brings a biting wit to the table. She will confront anyone (even Richard Nixon) for any reason! She prides herself on her high school education. She doesn’t do much but answer the phone, but we all love her snorts! Enid Strict, the Church Lady is her Mother (notice the similar facial expression).
Dr. Evil from Austin Powers – Dr. Evil is an internationally known criminal genius cryogenically frozen in 1967 and reawakened in 1997. Dr. Evil had a very strange upbringing and enjoys shaving cats and making clones. He brings his love of the bizarre and dastardly genius to the (finger quotes) think tank.
Tommy Flanagan – The Pathological Liar – Tommy tells whoppers to make himself feel important. Most of the arguments that occur are with him and the Church Lady. Tommy gives us the ability to lie our asses off when the police stop us for a ticket. “Well, I was innocently driving along and Morgan Fairchild parachuted into my car, slammed on the gas pedal (she has a real lead foot, y’know) and made me speed. Yeah, that’s the ticket!” We get out of all the tickets because the police just take us directly to the asylum.
Miracle Max – He is a character in the movie “Princess Bride”. Miracle Max always give me hope, even when it seems like there is none. He always emphasizes the positive. He also believes in taking it slow, which as we all know is much better than fast. Like me, he believes that a nice MLT (mutton, lettuce and tomato, sliced thin on rye) is better than true love.
Roseanne Rosannadanna – She spews her personal advice at any time. Norma D has gained much wisdom from her. We learned there’s always something such as a toenail in your hamburger or a piece of toilet paper on your shoe! She keeps us grounded.
Please review this video and you’ll see why I do the talking.
Linda Richman – The former host of Coffee Talk has joined our group to add an ethnic touch. She is the epitome of the gracious hostess. Everything I know about parties I learned from her. “Parties should go like buttah!” Linda is our organizer and teaches us faux Yiddish in her spare time.
Peter Sellers – I have two characters that he played in movies that have inhabited my brain. Dr. Strangelove and Inspector Clouseau. I know is it insane (no offense) to have movie characters as a personality, but they are very intriguing. They have nurtured my love of private detecting, costumes, deviant behavior and melting rubber noses.
Enid Strict, The Church Lady – Enid serves as our moral compass. Unfortunately she is often accusatory of the younger women with perky boobs with whom we might come in contact. She gets very upset if we touch our “naughty parts”. She and the liar, Tommy, get into terrible fights. She is the sole arbiter of good and evil for us. We have all been called “Satan”! We secretly hope she will go to hell!
Darth Vader – Darth has been with us a longtime. He is the one part of us that is scary (even with his helmet off!) He does have a sense of humor, so we tolerate him, but all he has to do is breathe and the urine is running down our collective legs!
Mae West – Sam likes her best! She has developed our ability to say what you’re thinking, even if it’s naughty. She also taught me my “come hither” look! Mae was a pretty big woman and I always suspected she was a man. But now that I’ve seen Caitlyn Jenner, I’m positive Mae’s all woman, I think.
Here’s some of Sam’s favorite Mae West quotes (compliments of BrainyQuotes.com):
- When I’m good, I’m very good. But when I’m bad, I’m better!
- Save a boyfriend for a rainy day and another in case it doesn’t rain.
- Between two evils, I always pick the one I’ve never tried before.
- I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
- An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.
- To err is human, but it feels divine!
To put it simply: I get along with Lucy who gets me out of trouble with myself after I call Ernestine for help. Dr. Evil, a graduate of Evil Medical School, diagnosed me as a pathological liar but Miracle Max says I’m only slightly pathological and Roseanne Roseannadanna says, “Don’t sweat it because it will just drip down your nose.” Linda Richman invites Dr. Strangelove and Inspecter Clousseau to our Faux Yiddish celebration, while the Naked Church Lady calls us all Satanists! Darth Vadar plays with his saber while Mae West says, “We’re not Satanists….we’re Heughanologists! I like ’em big, bad and ginger!” I hope you now understand how positively all of these personalities impact my behavior!
This is my world! Isn’t it great?